Detroit4lyfe is sending me on assignment this weekend to Chicago to cover the Tigers/Chi (AL) series. I will be attending the Saturday night game where the probable’s are Frederick Porcello and Edwin Jackson. Porcello’s career ERA against the pale hose is approaching eleventeen, so HE IS DUE. Luckily for us Tiger fans, I checked Umpireprobables.com and saw that Jim Joyce was a scheduled Umpire for Saturday night. So, the pale hose tradition of fans beating senseless the Umpires will be very much enjoyed by all fans in attendance Saturday night.
I read on the World Wide Web that Chicagoan’s can sometimes be hostile to Detroit fans when they visit….I have made sure I am ready.
On Saturday morning I will take a shower exactly like above. After the shower, I will have to train. I have heard things about Chicago fans; they are not pushovers like those Cleveland weaklings…so this training session will be intense. I will strictly follow the training session from below.
After another shower, I will put on my freshly ironed Enrique Gonzalez jersey. Then the tailgate will begin. My goal for the tailgate is to have a blood alcohol level that is identical to Gerald Laird’s batting average. After I get Laird’d, it’s off to the Cell.
When the gates open, I will enter exactly like above and say this so they know I mean business. If the elderly woman taking my tickets makes eye contact with me…I will not hesitate to lift her up and gorilla press slam her. I will obviously be outnumbered by pale hose fans at the stadium, so I asked jeeves what these heathen’s weaknesses are. Luckily, he referred me to Whitesoxfansfightingweaknesses.com. The website is very clear that pale hose fans weak spot is their notoriously small black hearts. All that is needed is a quick, precise judo chop to the heart, and they go down. Unfortunately, I will probably have to fight off a hundred or so just to get to my seats. When any of them approach me…BANG. If you thought that last link was ok, but definitely was missing something…like Ricky Martin…I got you covered below.
It will be very difficult to get to this point, but I anticipate after the struggle having the entire lower deck to myself after these previous events. I will then be “randomly” selected as the Fan of the Game, be on Dog Row and be the Kid of the Game. I’ll then be free to enjoy Porcello’s Steve Nebraska like gem and a Tigers win. The Tigers win will move us 7.5 games back of the pale hose and everything will be right in the world.
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