We Read Bill Simmons, So You Don’t Have To

Bill Simmons recaps the NBA off-season in a two-part epic on ESPN.com. Minus all the quotes from "Almost Famous," his laughable choice as the best movie of the decade (off the top of my head – I'd take "Remember the Titans"), it's a good article about the NBA.

He's not a big fan of the Rasheed Wallace signing or Marquis Daniels:

The song Stillwater sang backstage before every concert goes to new
Celtic Rasheed Wallace, who's hoping for a piggyback ride to a second
ring. Look, it's hard to criticize your team for spending $20 million
to upgrade a position that Mikki Moore and Brian Scalabrine manned last
season. But Sheed will be 35 years old and is coming off a brutal
contract year. He coasted on his reputation these past two seasons and
helped two coaches get fired. Last season, he looked disinterested,
took bad shots at the wrong times and never posted up. (In the words of
William Miller, "I was there. I WAS THERE.") Considering the Celtics
had trouble with everyone who went small against them last season,
weren't they better off targeting a third swing guy who could make 3s
and defend hot scorers (and please don't tell me Marquis Daniels is the
answer) over frontcourt insurance? Also, what makes anyone think
Kendrick Perkins — a young warrior who really came on last season, but
an emotional guy for better or worse — won't be affected with Rasheed
breathing down his neck for playing time?

The most confusing part
of this NBA summer: most fans and media members failing to realize
Sheed and Ron Artest earned their contracts on reputation alone. Artest
can only defend physical small forwards and slipped noticeably as an
offensive player (among qualifiers, he ranked last in two-point shooting percentage and third-to-last in two-point jumpshots). Sheed hasn't been effective in the playoffs since 2006
and submitted an epic stinkbomb in the 2009 Cleveland sweep (6.5 PPG,
6.3 RPG and 36.7 percent FG). Aren't these facts relevant? For all we
know, the Lakers and Celtics BOTH made themselves worse.

He makes the case that the Celtics could be the most hated team in the NBA:

To the Celtics, the consensus choice to represent the East in the
2010 Finals even though we don't know about KG's knees; how much Ray
Allen has left; if Rasheed will be good; how they're going to defend
quick perimeter guys or handle anyone who might go small; how much Paul
Pierce has left as a franchise scorer; and most of all, how an enigma
like Rajon Rondo will respond to Danny Ainge inexplicably shopping him
around AND publicly flaming him for the second half of June. Yes, I am
concerned. Another concern: Did the Celtics just assemble the most
hated NBA team of this decade? Everyone outside of Boston turned on
Rondo and KG last season. Throw in Wallace's antics and Perkins'
physical style, as well as the natural distaste for any Boston success,
and the Celtics suddenly look like the league's premier
bullying/chest-bumping/ref-badgering villains. So much for the days of
ubuntu. Will they embrace this new identity? How will this play out?

(Follow-up:
Thankfully, it looks like Stephon Marbury won't be back after his
career-ending 24/7 webcast last weekend. And by "back," I mean,
"allowed back in the United States." I think we have to deport him.)

After the jump, a hilarious story about Ron Artest wearing underwear only on a team bus…

For instance, Artest routinely walked around in his underwear in
public places: the Rockets' team bus, hotels, you name it. People
around the team barely flinched after a while. Before Game 7 of the
Lakers series — only the biggest game of the entire season — they
finally flinched.

Here's what happened: Artest missed the
first two team buses (the ones for players, coaches and team personnel)
from Houston's hotel to the Staples Center and barely made the third
and final bus, which was reserved for business staff, sponsors and
friends of the team. These stunned people watched Artest sprint to the
bus right before it left, jump on and take one of the remaining seats
… yes, wearing only his underwear. Owner Leslie Alexander happened to
be sitting on the bus and witnessed the whole thing. And you wonder why
the Houston Rockets didn't make any effort whatsoever to bring back
Artest.

He makes a legit case for LeBron going to the Clippers: