Breaking News: Angels and Rangers Trade Can’t Get To The Finish Line

Anaheim, CA – In a time where division rivals are highly unlikely to do trade business with each other, the Texas Rangers made a strong push to take Vernon Wells off of the Angels hands. Equally as shocking is the fact that the Angels would have in no way be responsible for the balance of his contract. It has been widely thought that, should the Angels come to a deal for Wells, his contract would largely be paid by the Angels because of Wells’ declining production. Jerry Dipoto commented “When the call came in I was really surprised. Texas doesn’t need any help in the outfield and Wells is very expensive. Then came Nolan’s (Ryan) one condition.”

“I said look JD,” Ryan drawled over the phone this morning, “you can have the two Double-A bullpen arms AND we’ll cover Wells’ salary, but,” at this point he begins to chuckle, “but you have to extend Mickey Hatcher indefinitely.” Hatcher, the long time hitting coach of the Angels and the man that keeps Clairol Asphalt hair dye on the shelves in Orange County, is a favorite amongst baseball insiders. Known as one of the nicest guys in the game, his longevity in coaching has been partially attributable to his likeability and demeanor.

“At first I thought this was one of Scioscia’s jokes,” Said Dipoto, “I figured he had dirt on Nolan from back in the ‘80s or something. Last week Mike had me on a conference call with Fernando Valenzuela and Orel Hershiser setting up a time for them to throw bullpen sessions because they wanted back in the game. On April Fool’s day he had me convinced that he was going to move Ianetta to first and let Pujols catch 90 games this year because Pujols’ career CERA is 0.00”

There was no joke to this proposed trade, though, and Ryan demanded to see the extension language in writing prior to even considering moving forward.

“In this case, the best defense is keeping Hatcher in charge of our competitor’s offense,” Ryan succinctly summarized. “And let’s face it, you know Wells will hit .320 here with 45 home runs. It’s a lock. It’s a shame they wouldn’t pull the trigger.”

Dipoto refrained from citing which detail killed the deal, but did shed some light on the situation. “Look, I wasn’t opposed to the idea of extending hacker . . . I mean hatchet–damn it Hatcher. There it is Hatcher. I can’t believe I slipped up like that. As I was saying, I wasn’t opposed to the idea, it just didn’t make much business sense to go into a contract when the man is working on a voluntary basis right now.”