By Glen McKee, AngelsWin.com Columnist & Satirist
Well, that’s it. This dreadful season is finally over, but the results of it will linger like gas after too much cauliflower. After any sports season, for the teams that are sitting home for the playoffs (and their fans) the focus turns to awards. We need some sort of recognition for our season, our version of the participation trophy. We may not have made the playoffs, but we got the Blanty (see below)! No other team can say that. Without further ado, I give you the awards for the Angels this season. Some (most…OK, all) of them are new so don’t be surprised if you don’t recognize them.
The Trouty: also known as The Mike Trout MVP Runner-Up Award, goes to (of course) Mike Trout, perpetual (two years is enough to be perpetual) second banana to Miguel Cabrera. You know, Miggy: the guy who couldn’t steal a base if it was five feet away from him. If this award had existed last year then Trout would have gotten it then. Congrats, Mike Trout! See you here again next year.
While we’re on the subject of Mike Trout and awards…this show has limited time so here are a list of awards Mike Trout received off-camera: the Oprah Winfrey Award for weight gain during the offseason, the GAA (Garret Anderson Award) for the player the fans are most likely to turn on next year when he goes into a mini-slump, and the OGAA (Other Garret Anderson Award) for coming the closest to duplicating your stats from the previous year.
The Blanty: this award goes to the biggest waste of money on a free-agent pitcher, and the winner is…Joe Blanton! Yep, it’s named after him so of course he’s gonna get it. But wait, I hear you say, Ryan Madson signed a contract and didn’t throw an inning! That’s a bigger waste! No, it isn’t, because we’ll still be paying Blanton about $7.5 million next year as well. That will again qualify him for the Blanty, especially when you factor in that some team will take a lowball chance on him and increase his pay.
The Gamble: this award goes to the player with the best hair-do. You’d think that Wilson or Hamilton would win it because of their Head & Shoulders commercial, but no, it goes to Matt Shoemaker, who just barely gets the nod over Jered Weaver. This is a sentimental award for me because I miss giving it to Dan Haren and his Dennis Wilson-esque locks, and MattShoey (I’m gonna make that stick, it’s fetch) is the closest we have to Haren.
The Maicer Izturis Memorial Award for copious DL time: goes to Peter Bourjos. But wait, I hear you say, Madson again! Quit trying to give him an award; I’m trying to forget him. To get this award you have to play in some games and show some potential, and then get injured. Pujols was a close second, but I’m trying to avoid accusations of reverse-racism. So Bourjos it is.
The Beaker: Named in honor of my favorite Muppet, this is the award for the best redhead on the team. It goes to rookie sensation Kole Calhoun! He’s ginger-rific.
The Ersty Trophy: for the player that demonstrates the most GRIT (it’s all-caps but it isn’t an acronym, you just have to spell it that was because it’s too much grit for lower-case letters) once again goes to…Darin Erstad. Even retired from baseball his GRIT is so strong that it wins him the award. The runner up, who lost by a hair, is CJ Wilson. He has more stealth GRIT (sGRIT) than people realize.
The Sosh Award: This award goes to the player with the most nickname-friendly name on the team. Until he gets traded (because guys who finish in the league top-10 in homeruns grow on trees, albeit trees with 10 or fewer branches), this award will always go to Rusty Trumbo, the Trumbomber, creator of the Trumbo Jack, the man who is Trumbolicious, the guy who (when he isn’t striking out) Trumbowns the other team, that’s right…Jeff Mathis. I mean, Mark Trumbo.
And that’s all there is, folks. Not very many, I know, but a horrible season like this – we lost the season series to the Astros, for cripes sake, the team we were supposed to pad our record against – doesn’t deserve a lot of awards. This season shouldn’t be rewarded with posterity, but studied so that 2014 isn’t more of the same. Enjoy your awards, Angels. Next year let’s earn a few real ones, along with a trophy or two.
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