Foe Fodder: The Los Angeles Dodgers

See that pic above?  That’s how I felt when I looked at the schedule and saw that the Angels were playing the Dodgers in Chavez Latrine and I got to write the Foe Fodder for it.  OMG!  This is like a musician getting to work with Dave Grohl or a chef getting to stab Guy Frieri in his fat effing face and getting away with it.  The Dodgers!  They’re easier to hate than the Yankees or the Red Sox.  Wow.  I’m so nervous; I hope I don’t screw this up.

The Dodgers.  Our neighbors to the north that actually play in that hell-hole that is Los Angeles.  The team with the fans that make the fans from every other team look civil and intelligent.  Do you know how hard that is, to make chowds look respectable?  Somehow, Dodgers fans do it.  I could make some easy jokes about how many of the Dodgers fans watch the games from a prison cell, or how many of them think that closed captioning in English is written in Arabic, or how few of them actually have a job, or how they smell like a septic tank fucked by a hobo, but I digress.  I’m sure they have some good fans.  Somewhere outside of their home city, that is.

And the team.  For a while they had one of the few owners that makes Arte Moreno look good, Frank McCourt, and they finally got rid of him and got themselves a consortium (if you ever see the word “consortium” used you know you’re talking about a group of filthy rich people) ownership that spent a metric ton of money and still can’t get past the first round of the playoffs.  They fired a manager that made their dysfunctional team actually work together and now that manager (Don Mattingly) is making the Marlins into a respectable team.  

And their rivalry with the Angels.  Hoo boy, Dodgers fans like to talk about how many World Series championships they’ve won, like it’s happened sometime recently.  At least we have 2002, which was only (sigh) 14 years ago.  The last time the Dodgers won a championship was when Reagan was president and before I got laid for the first time.  Now, I was a late bloomer but I’ve already retired from one career and started another; that tells you how long ago that was.  The last time the Dodgers won a championship an IBM PC with a 30 mb hard disk cost $1249.  For Pete’s sake, the last time the Dodgers won a championship was the year that crack was introduced.  Most of the Dodgers fans that were in prison for life during their last championship have already been paroled or died.  I think you get the picture.  It’s been a long time.  In fact, the last time the Dodgers won a championship was the year I joined the Navy and I’ve already almost forgotten that year (yeah, there was a lot of drinking, but still).

So, bring it on, Los Doyyers.  Deep inside your team sucks and your fans know it.  That’s why they get so upset when they’re around any other baseball fans.