GAMEDAY 57: Little Blue Pills Needed

PITTSBURGH (36-13-7) VS COLUMBUS (36-15-5)

NATIONWIDE ARENA. COLUMBUS, OH.

7:00 PM EST. NHL-NETWORK.

Hello and welcome to another exciting evening of Pittsburgh Penguins hockey. We are a little late with our gameday because I wanted you to bask in all of the dick slapping glory that was our recap of last nights dick slapping glory. Now the Penguins take their forwards and 4.2 defenders into Columbus for what should be another game of last man standing. You may remember Columbus as the little engine that could from earlier this season when they almost set a record for most wins in a row. Then they remembered they were Columbus and regressed to the mean, and are currently a hot 4-5-1 in their last 10. Columbus won nearly 50% of their games this season during that streak, which means they are 20-15-5 throughout the other 90% of their season. Now that is the Columbus we know. Rich Miller went out on a limb during a pod cast and claimed that the Blue Jackets wouldn’t make the playoffs, expecting Sergei Bobrovsky to be injured by this point. Though it hasn’t happened yet, don’t be too quick to say Rich was wrong, because this is Columbus we are talking about and the Rangers have righted their ship a bit. The only thing going for the Blue Jackets right now is the Islanders and Flyers sucked for so long in the beginning of the season that it may be too late to make a run. But again, it’s Columbus. It has to be great knowing your playoff odds rest on the other teams in your division sucking.

It is getting tighter than your butt during overtime last night. Toronto currently holds the final Wild Card spot with 63 points.

The Penguins announced that Olli Maatta will be shut down for 6 weeks after having hand surgery last night. The media went nuts and trade rumors flew everywhere, but it’s time to take a step back. The Penguins do get some cap relief now, but Rutherford isn’t making a trade just to make one. The Penguins lost Brian Dumoulin for 5 weeks and Kris Letang for 2 of those weeks and survived January. Unless you think losing Olli Maatta is more detrimental than Brian Dumoulin you see where I am going with this, just relax with the trade talk. If you do think that Olli Maatta is more important than Brian Dumoulin then I assume you’re probably pissed that Fleury isn’t starting tonight after getting the W last night.

PROJECTED STARTING LINEUPS:

The Penguins called up Olesky in a conversation that mostly went like this:

Sullivan: Olesky, if Dubinsky gets one hit on Malkin or Crosby tonight, you will never play another shift in the NHL

Olesky: Okay

I was honestly expecting the Pens to call up Tostito but it seems they will continue prancing around their “we’re better than that” dance. Nutivaara sounds like something you should scream after orgasm. Bjorkstrand sounds like a name that belongs in Columbus. Sorry I have some built up anger today, I am literally pissed that I have to care about a Columbus game in February. The Penguins forwards should be similar to this lineup graphic. They opted for Rowney instead of Archibald last night, but Winnipeg decided to elbow him legally in the head and he never returned.  The defense is exactly what the image says. Letang finished last night with over 30 minutes, Cole, Dumoulin and Daley were all in the 23+ range. Players like Cole and Daley are not used to that kind of time, so I would cut Daley some slack when he takes a lazy penalty in the first tonight. If the Penguins are going to win this game, it is going to be up to the hands of the offense and play of Matt Murray. I like those odds, Donna. PS: After the Malkin hit last night Bob Errey said “there is a donnybrook over here at the Penguins bench,” the first time that word has been used since 1964.

WHO TO WATCH:

FOR COLUMBUS:         BOONE JENNER

Don’t watch Boone fucking Jenner. Don’t even acknowledge he exists. What a horrible name and horrible player. If I had a daughter and she told me her boyfriend was Boone Jenner I would assume he works in the lawn and garden department of Home Depot repairing John Deere’s. Boone Jenner, man screw Columbus.

FOR PITTSBURGH:          The Paramedics

The Blue Jackets have been off for a few nights waiting for this game. They know the Penguins had a hard fought game last night. They know the Penguins are banged up. They know that if the Penguins come out and shove their collective dongs in their face that they will respond the only way they know how. If the Penguins jump out to an early lead this game is going to be ugly. I would say it is the refs job to monitor it but at this point I think the refs are just people that have purple tickets under their seats at the start of warm-ups.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

A win tonight would show everyone the true heart and grit grit grit of this team. A loss tonight would be completely fine. A Columbus win will result in them saying it was the largest win in decades during the media scrum, but we will know the truth. Murray is in net, Crosby and Malkin are flying, the Blue Jackets suck. This is a game the Blue Jackets should win easily if they had any dignity, but they don’t. Fuck Columbus, and Go Pens.