Ahhh, Philadelphia. The City of Brotherly Love. The city with ties to the founding of our great nation. The city of arts, culture, great food, and great historical stories. The cheese steaks are good. The cabbies are on time.
We just couldn’t wait until tomorrow to let you know how we truly feel.
The city of Philadelphia has a lot going for it, but it still lacks two very important things: Great leaders (Ben Franklin was from Boston) and a Stanley Cup championship for the generations that have been able to purchase personal computers. It’s 2017, after all.
I’m not sure if you have noticed, but the last six years haven’t been kind to you, Philly. We’re forever tied to you — primarily because we love seeing Volcanoes of shit erupt — so we would know.
Let’s flashback to the summer of 2011.
The Flyers, with Paul Holmgren then at the wheel, had to take a long look at their team and begin to assess what tweaks they would have to make in order to keep the team competitive. Two years removed from a trip to the Stanley Cup Finals and fresh on the heels of losing to the eventual Stanley Cup champion Bruins in the second round, they decided to go full rebuild. This, apparently, after consulting with local garbage men on what the make up of the team should look like.
The aftermath of that summer…
Gone: Mike Richards, Jeff Carter
Acquired: Ilya Bryzgalov, Max Talbot, Luke Schenn’s embarrassment of a brother, Wayne Simmonds, Jaromir Jagr, One-time (literally) shutdown centerman Sean Couturier
Promoted to captain: Claude Giroux
Predictably, the Flyers got worse after that summer. Let’s be real for a second, though. Richards and Carter were never going to win a Cup because they weren’t good enough to win one as the best players on the team. They needed a supporting cast behind them and a superstar to emerge. Snider and Holmgren whiffed on that concept, instead rolling the dice on a cast that couldn’t support and a superstar who turned out to be a fraud.
And where have the Flyers gone since the big rebuild?
Somehow during this span Holmgren got a promotion from GM to President of the team. Rewarding incompetency is clearly alive and well with this franchise. Also, since the Flyers and their fanbase still jerk off to the past — the only thing they have — they made Ron Hextall the GM because, hey, everybody knows a goalie who was more well-known for punching people than stopping pucks is who you want leading your franchise into the future.In 2011-12, they took out the Pens in the first round. Congrats. That may have been the top of their mountain, as far as the last five years are concerned. The next fours seasons would see the the Flyers bow out of the first round twice, and miss the playoffs altogether in the other two years. The lack of results since has caused two coaches to be fired and their owner to perish.
But Hextall has actually accomplished something worth noting: The Flyers don’t field a roster full of shitheads who are only good at fighting or cheap shots anymore. Instead, they have a roster full of guys who aren’t particularly good at anything. I suppose that’s progress.
So now let’s go back to last season. The Flyers’ 2015-2016 season began with a blockbuster, franchise-resurrecting hire of a coach with no professional coaching experience. Dave Hakstol, who immediately became the most boring, self-loathing coach in the NHL once Mike Johnston was fired, was brought in from the University of North Dakota. He’s looks more like a guy who should be working IT or in your accounting department. But against all odds, the rebuilding Flyers rallied from a dismal start, and rode the Ghost Bear wave to clinch an unexpected postseason berth.
So you would think the Flyer faithful would be satisfied with overachieving for once? Nooooooooooppppppeeeeeee. We mentioned the Flyers and their fans were 100% (allegedly) the cause of death for Ed Snider. While the team was, predictably, being disposed of as quickly as possible in the playoffs, Flyers fans threw items on the ice. Not a big deal for a city who threw batteries at a baseball player and snowballs at Santa Claus, but these were bracelets meant to honor the newly-deceased owner they helped kill. And to go full-Philadelphia, they threw them at a player their team concussed, earning their own team a two-minute bench minor in the process. Like any team in Philadelphia has ever needed help having a penalty called against them.
Fast forward to this season…
The Captain
Still a complete joke. When he isn’t grabbing a cop’s ass or hurting himself playing golf, he’s working on achieving career lows for scoring. One point in the playoffs last season for the big C-word. What a leader.
The Goaltender(s)
Steve Mason went 0-3 with a 4.09 GAA and an .852 SV% during that brief playoff run last season. He’s brought that save percentage up to a healthy .900 this season. The other guy, Mike Neuvirth, is hovering around .888. Safe to say this is actually the most stable the Flyers have been in net for years.
The Hero
Turns out Ghost Bear’s are just a figment of our imagination. If you’ve seen one this year, let us know.
On Defense
Annual reminder that Andrew MacDonald is making $5 million per year until 2020. Even people who think the world is flat know that is completely irrational. Also, Kimmo Timonen isn’t coming back any time soon. Impossible to assume he didn’t think the praise you gave him for winning a Cup with another team was embarrassing.
The Standings
Admittedly, being only five points out of a playoff spot is a lot less than was expected for a team without a leader, whose only offseason acquisition was Dale Weiss and his career high of 29 points. However, their goal differential of negative-28 — second worst in the East — leads us to believe they are, again, greatly overachieving.
Stadium Series
Big picture: It’s just another regular season game for the Penguins. Their season won’t be effected much — win or lose — by the outcome of this game. They’re going to the postseason, and that should remain the focus.
On the flip side of that coin… This is the Flyers’ Super Bowl. It’s the only thing they have now. They’re 3-6-1 in their last ten games. Their coach ruined the development of their most talented player. Their superstar captain is being named in trade rumors. Their goaltending situation is so bad people close to the team think Jeff Zatkoff is the answer. Blowing up the team and starting over makes unlimited sense, but this is the Flyers were talking about here.
So Saturday is it for them. Here’s to hoping the Penguins follow through on eviscerating the last and only thing this fanbase could possibly boast about this season. A Penguins win would be great, but if it’s not in the cards, maybe the coolant system under the rink will fail and the unseasonably warm temperatures will cause the ice to melt and Claude Giroux drowns.
Either way, Go Pens.
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