Thanks for the opportunity, New York!

So let me get this straight…the Yankees imposed a deadline for the Twins to trade ace Johan Santana. How does THAT work exactly?

– In 2007, the NARM and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ranked Thriller third on their “Definitive 200” list, a compilation of what they believed to be the greatest albums ever. The first and second ranked were The Beatles “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonley Hearts Club Band” and Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.” This is widely regarded as total bullshit, because nobody has ever even heard of those two jagoff bands and, frankly, they sound made-up.

– Michael Jackson’s Thriller contains the track “Baby Be Mine,” which is scientifically proven to get the ladies totally wet.

– In the United States alone, Thriller has gone platinum 27 times (selling more than 27 million idividual copies.) In Canada, Thriller has sold only 2 million copies. This proves the already widely-accepted theory that Canada is “13 and a half times lamer” than the United States.

– The Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney collaboration, “The Girl is Mine,” was not a pre-written piece of music but rather an actual recorded conversation between the two former friends, who had taken to arguing only in song.

– Thriller won 7 Grammy Awards, 8 American Music Awards, and 3 MTV Music Video Awards. It is rumored that, due to their abundance, Jackson hands out the award statues to trick or treaters during Halloween.

– The song “P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)” was originally titled “P.Y.T. (Punchin’ Your Tummy)” and was about Jackson’s distaste for his many pregnant girlfriends. The original chorus lyrics were as follows:

“I want to punch you

(P-Y-T)

In the tummy

You need some kickin’

(K-F-S)

Down the fucking stairs

And I’ll take you there”

The song’s title and lyrics were later changed at the urging of Thriller producer, Quincy Jones. Jackson then penned the song “Billie Jean” to further explore the pregnancy issue.

– In early 1984, a rumor surfaced that the first 7 digits of the UPC code for Thriller were Michael Jackson’s phone number. This, however, was an obvious hoax as Michale Jackson has no need for telephones because he communicates telepathically.

– The original name for the “Thriller” single was “Give Me Starlight”, while the album was originally to be called Starlight. Both titles were changed to “Thriller” when Michael Jackson expressed that the original titles were “too faggy” and would never “get him all up in some cunt”.

– Queen singer(and then good friend of Jackson’s), Freddy Mercury, recorded a few songs with Jackson during the Thriller sessions, those being “State of Shock”, “There Must Be More to Life Than This” and “Victory”. None of these tracks have ever been officially released. Jackson’s official comment on the shelving of these tracks was that he didn’t want Mercury “queering up [his] image”.

– The dancing hoard of zombies in the “Thriller” music video were not dancers in make-up, but rather an actual army of undead corpses that Jackson summoned from the grave with his moonwalk powers. Upon wrapping of production for the video, Jackson personally beat the skull of each and every zombie in with one of his Grammy’s.

– Contrary to the song’s adamant protests, Billie Jean indeed was Jackson’s lover. However, Jackson’s refusal of paternity tests still leave the verdict out on whether or not the kid is his son. The aforementioned kid, (Ronnie Jackson-Seigle, pictured below) currently lives in Iowa and works as an accountant.
A photo of Ronnie Jackson-Seigle in 1993 at age 11. Paternity has yet to be proven.