Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Who: The Indianapolis Colts vs. the Tennessee Titans.
What: Week 17. It’s over after this, folks. It’s over. Or is it?
Where: Nissan Stadium, Nashville, TN. Random funny story: One year when my kids were little, my dad decided to take them to Florida for spring break. I couldn’t go due to work. At this point the kids were little, but old enough to understand theirs was a Colts household, and there were no other teams. They call me and dad says they’re in Nashville. Alright. We get off the phone and a few minutes later I get another call, only this time it’s a butt dial or something. I can hear them talking, so I listen in. All of a sudden dad says “and this is where the Titans play,” and without missing a beat my son says “they suck!” One of my proudest moments ever.
When: 8:25 PM Eastern, Sunday, December 30th. TV: NBC. I’m probably in the minority here, but I was disappointed when this game was flexed, and not because it means Cris Collinsworth, either. I prefer the early games. I loved the relative anonymity of this season’s Colts schedule. You get these early games when your team sucks like the 2017 Colts did. After the resurgence this season – which trumps any game time – we should brace ourselves for more of Mr. Collinsworth next season. These Colts will be a hot prime time ticket.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
Before I get to the good stuff, let’s just pause and reflect on this season for a moment. It has been a wild, strange, fun ride, hasn’t it? With so many unknown factors, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Initially I told myself I could live with 6 wins. I could live with the growing pains because Andrew was back and with Chris Ballard calling the shots, the future was bright. It only took me to watch game one against the Bengals to talk myself into this team as a playoff team. Andrew was rusty, but the talent level was obviously there. They blew that game. Then they blew it against the Eagles, and the Texans, and the Jets, and it was just maddening because you could clearly see it was all right there in front of them. They just had to seize it. Other than the random, inexplicable, embarrassing game down in Jacksonville, seize it they have.
I don’t want this to end. It can’t end.
1. Dismember the Titans
Feeling confident, but willing to do whatever he can to get his team ready, Frank Reich decides to try and motivate them through a history lesson.
He awakens his charges at 3 AM on game day, demanding they follow him on his morning jog.
As the early morning fog gives way to daylight, Reich leads his troops out of the woods and into a clearing…
“Anybody know what this place is? This is Stones River National Battlefield. This is where they fought the Battle of the AFC South. 2,800 men died right here on this field…fightin’ the same AFC South fight that we’re still fighting among ourselves today. This green field right here…painted red…bubbling with the blood and sweat of young boys, smoke from touchdown cannons, and hotly thrown passes going right through their hands. Listen to their souls, men. ‘Killed my season with malice in my heart. Losses to the Bengals, Jets and Jags destroyed my family.’ You listen, and take a lesson from the dead. If we don’t come together and play well, right now on this hallowed ground, our playoff hopes too will be destroyed. Just like they were.”
The speech works, and the Colts dominate the Titans from start to finish.
2. The Titans suck
Look, I have several friends from Tennessee, and they’re all wonderful, amazing people, but the Titans suck. Just say the name “Tennessee Titans.” It sucks. What a stupid name. And the uniforms? Don’t even get me started. They even redid them and they still suck. “Oh but we used to be the Oilers,” they’ll tell you. Yeah, everyone knows this.
That’s still no excuse for having Stevie Wonder design your uniforms.
You suck.
3. The Pacemates
Don’t look now, Indiana, but our NBA boys are off to an impressive start this season. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Colts didn’t really start rolling until the Pacers started their own season. The Pacemates brought their good vibes.
Did they.
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