Mustache Organization to Red Sox: Stop!

On one the hand, I like the bearded Boston Red Sox and the way that their chin curtains have seemingly brought them together in some sort of crazy "Band of Brothers" sort of way. But on the other hand, I don't like the frenzy the show of solidarity has sparked among the fans. Particularly, the long fake beards and the desire by everyone to make "Duck Dynasty" references.

 

Thankfully…we've got the American Mustache Institute. And on Thursday, the AMI reached out to Red Sox Executive Vice President, Corporate Strategy and General Counsel, Ed Weiss and asked him to, well, you can read.  

We at the American Mustache Institute (AMI) applaud you and the Boston Red Sox for your extraordinary success in this 2013 Major League Baseball Season and wish you the best against the St. Louis Cardinals in what all of America hopes will be a competitive World Series matchup.

However, while each member of the Mustached American community appreciates your team’s harnessing of facial hair towards athletic excellence, your marketing of beardism violates the expressed federal trademark of AMI’s ownership of the Sexually Dynamic Mustached American Lifestyle, and in particular, our legal right to approve via “expressed written consent” of any use of said beardism or mustacheularity in marketing the Red Sox’s winning ways or merchandise.

Therefore, we have filed request for a temporary or permanent injunction, leading to the estoppal or cessation of said beardism-infringing activities in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8.

We are requesting a bench trial and have already filed a motion for summary judgment. Failing these two options, AMI along with the Walt Disney Reckoning Attribution Network and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, is prepared to fully-litigate this matter. This includes, if necessary, a full jury trial; and to this end we have retained counsel — the esteemed white-shoe firm of Dewey, Ahmadinejad and Houssein — in the aforementioned district.

We look forward to your response and cessation of these unsanctioned activities.

In short, there's this.

 

"The American Mustache Institute has spent decades championing the rights of the follicularly endowed. It is imperative that the leaps and bounds we have made over time are not minimized by opportunistic money-making enterprises," American Mustache Institute Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove told The Hall.  "We salute the citizens of Boston for their enthusiastic embrace of the facial fur, and strongly encourage them to remain steadfast in their quest for bearded and mustached glory alike."

 

Go on, Dr. Causgrove.

 

"We stand with our bearded brethren and wish for nothing but continued success for the Red Sox crew," Causgrove added.  "We just want to be sure that the focus is on the those succeeding whilst living a sexually dynamic mustached American lifestyle, and not on any financial opportunities that may present themselves to an entrepreneurial bald faced mortal."

 

Your move, Red Sox.