Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Who: The Indianapolis Colts vs the Tennessee Titans.
What: Week 6 of the 2017 NFL season.
Where: Nissan Stadium, Nashville, TN.
When: 8:30 PM Eastern, Monday, October 16th. TV: ESPN. Ugh, Jon Gruden. I want to call his “Gruden Hotline” and ask what his record is other than the one season he won with Dungy’s players (hint: it’s not good at all). Since we have Sunday off, you can browse the other games here.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
1. Streakin’
The Titans are so uninspiring. Their uniforms are and have been one of the worst things going in professional sports. They suck. The Colts have beaten them 11 straight times and 16 out of 17. How badly do the Titans suck? The lowly 2011 Colts got one of their two wins against them.
But maybe this week things change.
The game is a typical Colts – Titans match up, with the Titans sporting ugly uniforms and the Colts refusing to prosper as much as they should. A late Jacoby Brisket to Jack Doyle connection results in a touchdown, and the ensuing extra point conversion puts the Colts up 17-16 with just under 2 minutes left. The Titans start at their own 25 with 1 time out left. Marcus Mariotta starts to find a rhythm, and the Titans begin to move. On 3rd down from the Colts’ 40, Mariotta hits Delanie Walker for a big gain down to the 25, but the clock is ticking, ticking, ticking. The Titans rush to get into position to spike the ball, when suddenly ref Walt Anderson blows his whistle, gets on his mic, and says, “Time out, Indianapolis. This is their third and final time out.” In the booth Jon Gruden begins to rant about the stupidity of Charles Pagano when he passes out mid-sentence. Viewers get a brief shot of Gruden being taken from the booth, a pile of Corona bottles on the floor. Charles Pagano strikes again.
Unbeknownst to everyone, however, current Vice President Mike Pence is in attendance on the sidelines, disguised in a worn Colts hoodie. As the Titans line up for what will surely be a game winning kick, Pence calmly informs his security detail to go check on the fat guy in row 3 because “he looks like he supports patriotism.” Enraged by yet another episode of Pagano’s poor clock management, Pence removes his clothes and races onto the field. Screaming “I protest! I protest!” Pence grabs the football and begins to run. He jukes one security guard and rolls about 20 yards more before getting laid out by a vicious hit, much to the delight of the crowd and viewers everywhere.
The VP’s streak disrupts the flow of the game. After a 5 minute delay, the Titans line up…there’s the snap…there’s the hold…the kick is up and….it’s no good. Colts win! Finally Mike Pence has done something good for the state of Indiana.
Afterwards, the White House issues a statement defending Pence, saying “What did you expect him to do, kneel?”
2. Colts cheerleader Jessica G
Jessica has kind of been quiet lately, but I have no doubt in my mind that she agrees with me that this game will play out exactly as I described above. We’re cool like that.
Meanwhile….
Here’s Jessica posing with fellow cheerleader Ayda, who the author will need to do further investigating on with next week’s “score more” in mind.
Whew.
Since you’ve all been nice, here’s another glorious photo…
*fans self*
Time to go streakin’
Colts 17, Titans 16
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