We (Amy Jo and Jenna) have made a list of what each Coyotes player should get for Christmas. We are assuming that all the boys have been good this year. As far as we can tell they have been! Come on boys, you can be a LITTLE naughty……
Paul Bissonnette – the complete collection of Vince Vaughn movies, brass knuckles and “some” ice time (limited of course, he just worked so hard at practice)
Mikkel Boedker – framed San Antonio Ramage bus pass (because it’s first class from here on out), a chew toy (so he won’t chew on his mouth guard all the time) and a hair cut from Uppy’s stylist
If ur that hungry hun, I can buy you a hamburger…..
Shane Doan – a birthday cake (because he’s Jesus), peace on Earth, goals that actually cross the line, tickets to Taylor Swift (because Jesus doesn’t like Kanye) and Czech lessons so he no longer has to smack Marty to communicate
….the little lord Doaner lay down his sweet head……
Vernon Fiddler – a new ski mask and crowbar (to help him rob those goalies), a new first name (he ain’t no Vernon), Captain Morgan (since he skates like Cap’n) and a real sword
Fiddy it’s time for a new disguise. This one is like famous
Martin Hanzal – a lifetime pass to Thornton’s kitchen, more goals (he’s got the defensive thing down, lets get the offense going), a Mustang (he got the practical car Z wanted so we want him to have the fun car too), signs that are more tongue sticking out than neck cutting, a lifetime contract wit Amy (and a no movement clause) and the Selke
The Sel…. wait. The Hanzal Award has a nice ring to it…..
Lauri Korpikoski – a size larger in shirts, a nickname (we got nothing) and some personality (so we can come up with a good nickname for him)
Robert Lang – real Czech citizenship, a sign from Amy, a contract selling teeth whitener cuz his smile is blinding and a cane/hockey stick hybrid
We talk about your smile and this is what you give us Lang? Goddamnit, throw us a bone here! PS ~ you look like a spy! A GERMAN spy!
Matthew Lombardi – a tightly fitting helmet, a jukebox that only works when he hits it (heeeeeeeey), a gift card to Home Depot (to maximize his employee discount) and an electric razor that doesn’t work so he is always scruffy
The Fonz here needs his juke box so he can show off his magic.
Peter Mueller – his mojo back, Ryan Bingham CD’s, a bold sign from Drooler and Shrek repellent (he may need a restraining order)
Petr Prucha – a 30 goal season, juice boxes, his “kind of fun” (like the Czechs like to have), Jagr’s mom to clean his place, a free pass to Scottsdale Fashion Week (and one for Jagr too), a hattrick against the Rangers, a magical stick that he never has to worry about and English lessons (so he can talk to Jenna)
Scottsdale isn’t the same as NY fashion week Pru, but it’s the best we can do on short notice. No Henrik this time….
Taylor Pyatt – air traffic controller wands, a storage shed for all his camping equipment (he loves to make those goalies miserable) and shades (so the ladies leave him alone)
No Taylor! Hide the eyes! HIDE THE EYES!!! Crap. STAMPEDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scottie Upshall – hair product (because you can never have too much), more time to tweet, a transparent helmet (so he can leave it on and everyone can still see his hair), a cruise for him and Lombo during the Olympic break, and a role on Entourage (a role longer than JRs one second appearence on Ghost Whisperer)
Bo: Up, Will you go on a cruise with me? Up: YES! A CRUISE GUYS! WOOOO! Bo: I so happy. I so happy.
Radim Vrbata – tagless shirts so Amy doesn’t want to tuck your pink tag in during warmups of every game, lace biters (because he is always adjusting his skate laces), a 20 game point streak for being awesome, a better mouth guard (so he doesn’t have to grimace), his own sign girl, everyone to know how to pronounce his name, and a hattrick against Tampa Bay
Daniel Winnik – a butt, hair extensions, hulk like abilities so he can hit people, and someone to be Winnie’s Piglet
Adrian Aucoin – a pink fluffy bunny so we are less afraid of him, a funny ghostwriter for his blog, flip flops (cuz he won’t get hypothermia in Phoenix), honorary Captaincy of SWAT (someone has to supervise Vandypants, the renegade), a babysitter for his giant brood (but not Justin’s fiance) and wood for his sticks from Vandypant’s lumber jacking business
He’d melt terrorists with a glance. EEK! He needs a fluffy bunny BAD.
Ed Jovanovksi – metal plates (to help reduce injuries), icy hot to use after the KY body bumps, new suits (his other ones get a little overused in the press box) and a nanny for his kids (so he’s less crabby to fans)
Sami Lepisto – Dance Dance Revolution video game, a chance to meet Shakira cuz neither one of their hips lie, a rawhide bone, 5 goals on Lang in practice, a lasso and new spurs, a happy Santa, his long hair back, and an invite to hang out with us
Zbynek Michalek – adamantium (so he is unbreakable like Wolverine), power play time, Mo to beat up anyone who has hit him this year, and a big fat contract so he will stay forever
Heatley: Do you even know how to stop me Z? Z: I’m gonna cut your goddamned head off. See if that works.
Kurt Sauer – flannel shirts and Tylenol
David Schlemko – handcuffs and longer shorts, a visit to San Antonio to see Jonas and that is all we have because what do you get the rookie dman who has everything already??
Schlem wants to handcuff…… himself? WTF?
James Vandermeer – Home Depot modeling contract, guns, BIG guns (and a part time job with the swat team), longer hair, perma scruff (so not to get carded everyday), pants (because he is THE Vandypants) and a seasonal job designing Christmas cards
Five bucks says no one on the street is man enough to make fun of him.
Keith Yandle – contract with KY jelly, Fandles (fans of Yandle), a chance to play as a forward (if Paul can do it, so can Yandle), a body bumping replacement for Jovo, someone he can hit wicked hawd, a “Jovo 2.0” jersey, and someone to make him a sign…. just once
Ilya Bryzgalov – chili dogs (without having to get a shut out), a day off (with a good replacement so he doesn’t have to worry), a buffet of all his faves (including Chipotle and Cold Stone), translation guide for signs, and the Stanley Cup (again, but with his new/better team)
Jason Labarbera – an assignment in Las Vegas so he can be successful with the Wranglers, Visine (so he doesn’t have to wink to get that thing out of his eye), Z to be the back up goalie (so the pressure is off), and an ax and a cabin in the woods so he can pursue his true passion of serial killing
1. The serial killer in a goalie mask has been done already, be original. 2. Like the last thing I wanna see before I die is the Ultimate Warrior.
Dave Tippett – a 60 minute effort, a Stanley Cup (since Turco couldn’t get him one) and no delay of game penalties
Dave King – a map to the fountain of youth (Lang wants to go too!!!) and more one on one time with Bizz
Sean Burke – Al Montoya (a real back up) and Ballard to take out the competitions goalies
Ulf Sammuelson – English lessons and more dark suits
Don Maloney – a real budget, Uppy’s stylist, and a shot at doing stand-up at a comedy club
Doug Moss – quality time with us (to give him ideas)
What the boys can get us for Christmas:
Sami and Lombo Cam so we can see the crazy antics 24/7
A Doan hattrick
Czech Lessons
Seats in the penalty box
Locker room pass
Jenna’s gifts for Amy:
Marty
a Lang jersey (white)
Coffee Talk with Yandle
Shane Doan to love her instead of shooting pucks at her
A sign making machine that always spits out great Marty signs
Amy’s gifts for Jenna:
Pru winkage
Dance party with Sami
Sami/Lombo Cam
Taylor jersey
The ability to admit your mad love of Uppy…..’s hair
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