Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys – Texans Edition

Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.

I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.

As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.

Who: The Indianapolis Colts vs the Houston Texans.

What: Week 9 of the 2017 NFL season.

Where: NRG Stadium, Houston, TX.

When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, November 5th. TV: CBS. While the Colts are playing, the majority of the country will be watching Denver at Philadelphia. I feel like we’re getting screwed, and not in the good way either. If you have the ability to watch other games, you can find out what’s going on here.

Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:

1. Free Quincy Wilson

I have no idea. Seriously. I harken back to the days when this article was funny and easy to write. That is no longer the case. Charles Pagano has stolen my soul. #ChuckNay

But I can think of something, right?

The dynamic duo of Tom Savage for the Texans and Jacoby Brisket for the Colts fail to live up to the hype, and so we go to OT with a scoreless game. The Colts stall on their opening possession, as TY Hilton – held to 1 catch for -2 yards because he jogs through routes when he gets frustrated and no one will admit it even though they claim to watch the tape – drops a pass on 3rd down. It’s time to punt.

RighteousBurrito Sanchez, probably the team MVP this season, booms one, but the Texans will have a return. Whoever the hell their punt returner is breaks free of the first wave of Colts, when bam!!!!….Non-special teams player Quincy Wilson delivers a righteous hit that springs the ball free. In the ensuing chaos, Wilson comes up with the ball and heads for the end zone. He’s almost there…he’s reaching for the pylon…then out of nowhere, he’s apparently brought down by his own head coach.

We have a booth review as the Jeopardy theme plays over and over….

Referee John Parry (no relation to David, I presume) gets on the mic and announces to the crowd that although they’re not certain if Wilson scored or not, Charles Pagano is the worst coach in the NFL, and any player getting tackled by his own head coach should be awarded at least one point.

Colts win, but Adam Vinatieri, needing only 2 points to become the 2nd leading scorer in NFL history, is denied.

I’m sorry, but this is a totally believable scenario.

2. Colts cheerleader Jessica G

Jessica has been CC of the Week this past week, so what a coincidence she’s appearing in this article. Alright, that’s a damn lie, it’s no coincidence and you people know this.

I know a few things about Jessica: 1) she likes mac n’ cheese 2) she roots for her old school, the University of Louisville (gross) and 3) she’s had LASIK surgery, so she can see right through your BS.

But this week I learned a little more.

This is Jessica and her mom, Cheryl.

Besides having the good taste of being a Pat McAfee fan, Cheryl served as a Captain in the US Army for 25 years. Later this month, she, like other Colts CC moms, will perform on the field with her daughter. Cheryl, as someone who loves our military so much and is the son of a Marine, I salute you for your service.

Let’s see what else Jessica’s been up to…

Those eyes. My word. Whew.

But

Oh my *fans self*

When I woke up this morning and thought it was one hour later than it was, Jessica came to me in a vision and said she agreed with everything I was going to write today.

We’re cool like that

Colts 1, Texans 0