The Skating Wounded. BRUINS LOSE.

If there’s a team that can give the Bruins a run for the Most Injured title, it is the Ducks. On paper, at least, this was the most winnable game on their West Coast trip. Ducks are missing Getzlaf, Patrick Eaves’ beard, Ryan Kesler’s tears… the list goes on. And yes, the Bruins are missing key players too. But wow. How do you out play a team like the Bruins out played Anaheim in the second and still lose?

The Bruins just can’t finish. And their defense wouldn’t be able to clear a newborn from the front of the net. It’s hard to be disappointed though, I guess, because we knew what we were getting this year even before the injuries. If anything, I’m disappointed in myself for staying up for this.

• John Gibson’s mask. I really, really miss that old Ducks logo.
• Jack Edwards loves to use the phrase “plays bigger than his size.” I should’ve used that line in college. “Trust me, I know how it looks, but it plays bigger than it’s size.”
• Jack made it sound like Bergeron and Vermette went on a date the night before the game and now I want to make that a TV show.
• Solid move by NESN to show the one McQuaid flashback highlight that didn’t end up in him tearing and/or breaking a part of his body.
• Someday years and years from now, we’ll look bad and think about how lucky we all were to be alive during the Patrice Bergeron era.
  
• David Pastrnak is so good. SO GOOD. If you replaced Jesus with Pastrnak in the Bible it would be way better and actually real. He is so precious and his smile is so radiant that it’s almost blinding.
• Thought the Bruins had a good number of great chances in the first but Gibson was on his game. Give it five minutes though and he’ll probably get injured. He’s the McQuaid of goalies in terms of injuries. He’s obviously way more talented at his position than McQuaid. Also though, the Bruins would make shitty grave diggers because they can’t bury anything. They couldn’t finish a two piece puzzle.
• Based only on his super pinchable cheeks, I assume this is how Charlie McAvoy hits on women:
  
• That one crazy save Gibson made. You know which one I’m talking about.
  
• That entire god damn shift for Danton Heinen before he scored a great, patient goal. Great, great play. Great board work. Great work making Gibson hit the ice before going high. That goal had a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes.
• Great, great second period by the Bruins other than that weird Manson goal and that breakdown at the end. Tons of great chances. If they could just learn to bury chances like Claude Julien buries young players they’d score 10 goals a game. Give or take. Just frustrating that other than a couple 30 second lapses they had a dominant period but still ended up down 3-1 when the period was over.
• If you listen closely, you can hear the horrified cries of the wives and children of the newly deceased whenever Charlie McAvoy lays down one of his beautiful hits.
• There’s a story line in one of the more recent Batman runs where an older, injured, dying Bruce Wayne clones himself because “Gotham is always going to need a Batman.” We need to do this with Bergeron, because buddy Boston is always going to need you.
  
• Goal at the end of the third was nice, I guess, but Anaheim wasn’t even trying at that point. Too little, too late Brodie Bruce.
• Anaheim didn’t score five goals? I dunno, folks. Whatever.

• Ryan Miller. I know he didn’t play tonight but I just wanted to remind everyone he’s terrible.
• Bruins have more slot trouble than one of those lil old ladies at the casino that just keeps pumping quarters into a machine that is never going to show her the love she shows it. I think a team could legit set up a tent in front of Rask.
  
• Papa John’s trying to claim they serve pizza. Shitting on dough and covering it in sauce and mozzarella doesn’t mean it’s a pizza.
• Kevin Roy’s first period goal was just classic Bruins being horrible in the slot. I guess if it’s broke, don’t fix it.
• Whatever the hell The Globies are.
• I’m not entirely sure Matt Beleskey exists. I think he’s a fairy tale like the Boogie Man or having a fun time in Buffalo or Jesus.
• That goal that Chara accidentally kicked in. Looked like he wasn’t really paying attention to the play. Definitely could’ve been avoided. Blah. That one play was perfect for the Bruins season. They’ll have some great, great shifts then just do something stupid.
• End of the second. Just… ugh. The Bruins continue to shoot themselves in the skates. Dominate, dominate, dominate then blow it.
• CLEAR THE GOD DAMN SLOT WHAT THE HELL. SOMEONE THROW A PIE!
• You wanted a good start to the second and you got… a team that looked like it already gave up and then a goal to make it 4-1. I stayed up for THIS?!
• Corey Perry looks like he belongs on one of those “Have You Seen This Pedophile” posters.
• Jack calling it “Gretzky’s Office” instead of “Shawn Thornton’s Office.”
• The Bruins made me dumb(er) in the third. I kept wondering why there were so many children at the game after midnight before remembering the game was in Anaheim.
• I demand the Bruins pay my PlayStation Vue bill this month for making me stay up for that.
• Fitting that Riley Nash wears Paille’s number because he got stoned on a breakaway. The Bruins wouldn’t even score at a brothel these days.
• I bet the Bruins would even have trouble burying chances against Niemi.

• Anyone else completely forget about Ryan Spooner until they mentioned he was still injured tonight?
• What the hell are The Globies?
• How do you out shoot a team 15-3 in a period and get out scored 2-1 in that period?
• A lot of Katy Perry pictures come up when you Google Corey Perry. Is it because they both have gross faces?
• WHY CAN’T THE BRUINS CLEAR ANYONE FROM THE SLOT?!?!?!