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COMMISSIONER ROB MANFRED IMPOSES ADDITIONAL SANCTIONS ON
ATLANTA BRAVES FOR INTERNATIONAL PLAYER VIOLATIONS
For the Next Two Years Braves Will Not Be Allowed to Use a First Baseman in Any Home Game; Effective Immediately, All Atlanta Front Office Personnel Will Be Ineligible to Vote in the 2018 Mid-term Elections; and the Firstborn Children of Braves Owners May Not Participate in the 2018 Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays.
JAPANESE SUPERSTAR SHOHEI OHTANI HAS FURTHER DEMANDS FOR TEAMS INTERESTED IN SIGNING HIM
Not Only Will Ohtani Pitch and Play in the Outfield, His New Demands Include Helping With Pre-Game Ticket Collection, Checking Fan Backpacks and Bags At Ballpark Entry Points, and Personally Directing Stadium Clean-Up After the Final Out.
BASEBALL COMMISSIONER TO IMPOSE EVEN MORE “PACE OF PLAY” RULE CHANGES
Fans Must Now Perform the Seventh Inning Stretch in Ballpark Parking Lots Prior to Game; In Addition to a 20 Second Pitch Clock on the Field There Will Now Be 20 Second Deadline Clocks Placed in All Stadium Restroom Stalls, and 10 Second “Medical Alert” Clocks Placed at All Polish Hot Dog Stands.
SF GIANTS PLAN TO INVEST HEAVILY IN ADVANCED ANALYTICS IN 2018
Giants Will Move Beyond Superstition, Hunches, Batting Average and Pitcher Wins, Making the Following Major Investments: Buying One of Those New-Fangled “PlayStation 1” Units, Two “Super Mario On the Basepaths” Cartridges, and a Galaxy 2 Flip-Phone. “We’ve Seen the Future,” Giants GM Bobby Evans Recently Stated, “And at the End of the Day it Looks Remarkably Similar to Our Past.”
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