Carrie Milbank: I’m telling everyone about the new NHL.com and today we’re in Bristol, Connecticut to catch up with Barry Melrose.
*walks into ESPN headquarters*
Security Guard: Ma’am, I’m going to need to see some identification.
*Carries walks past him like nothing happened*
CM: We’re telling everyone about the new NHL.com because it’s full of super awesome amazingness.
*walks onto ESPN set in the middle of a live Sportscenter. John Buccigross and Barry Melrose are discussing the night’s action in the NHL.*
Barry Melrose: …and then things really got ugly. George Parros squares off with…
Producer: What’s she doing here? Get off the set lady!
BM: Oh, I not this witch again.
CM: Hey Barry! Hi John! Have you guys heard about the new NHL.com?
John Buccigross: Um, hi.
BM: Can’t you see we’re on live TV? You’ve already cost me one job now get out…
CM (interrupting): It’s amazing, really! It can do all your segments for you!
BM: Yeah? Last time you told me it could do all of my scouting and look where that got me! I’m back here with Bucci!
JB: HEY!
CM: No really, Barry. It can do all your work for you! It can even generate opinions if you need them!
BM: Wait… Really? That could actually be pretty helpful.
JB: BARRY! We’re in the middle of a show!
BM: Right, right. Carrie, I’ll talk to you when I’m done. So anyway, George Parros squared off with Daniel Carcillo and…
*two weeks later*
Producer (over intercom): Barry, could you come into my office please?
BM: Sure one minute…… What’s up Producer Guy?
PG: Look, Barry. I’m really sorry but I’m going to have to let you go. With the economy the way it is and, frankly, I don’t even know what you’re doing on the set anymore.
*plays tape of Melrose on Sportscenter set*
BM: So, I says to Chris Berman ‘No! You’re the drunk!’ And he goes, ‘No! I’m with leather!’ It was hilarious. You had to be there.
JB: /shakes head
*tape cuts to another scene*
Scott Van Pelt: OK, now it’s time to head over to the hockey desk with Barry Melrose. Barry, what can you tell us about tonight’s action?
BM: Your Mom is some good action!
*back to Barry and the Producer*
BM: Oh, yeah. Those weren’t my best days. But it was just stuff I was getting from reading the blogs on NHL.com. They’re full of good information.
PG: I’m sorry, Barry.
*Barry cleans off his desk and walks solemnly out of ESPN headquarters. He reaches the parking lot, drops to his knee and throws his fists to the sky.*
BM: DAMN YOU MILBANK!!! DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!
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