An Unsolicited Letter to Sidney Crosby

Here at BMR, we’re all for diversity and letting everyone have their two cents — even though the economy isn’t doing so good. To stay true to that, over the next few weeks we’ll be showcasing some work from loyal reader and die-hard Penguins fan Mike, more commonly known as Malkin’s Bodyguard. The following is his first submission.

Dear, Sid the Kid.

What’s up, man? I can call you that, right? Sid the Kid, I mean. I’ve always thought you’d be cool like that. Anyway, you don’t know me but there’s some stuff I gotta ask you. When you say you’re “not mad” at Marion Hossa, you’re joking, right? Remember when Alex Ovechkin beat you out in Rookie of the Year voting? It hurt, didn’t it? You thought you deserved it, didn’t you?

Well, why don’t you just say it?

Listen, I know ever since the end of the lockout the NHL has had a revamped sense of marketing, with a focus on promoting its young superstars. I also know that one of the best and brightest of those superstars is you; one Sidney Crosby. I get that. This is all for good reason, of course. You’re a young, good looking stud. The kind of kid my parents wish they had and my ex-girlfriends wish they dated. You’re always with the “aw, shucks” attitude and the “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome’s.” It’s the kind of stuff sponsors dream of. Plus, you’re pretty good on the ice too. You’ve apparently done everything that has ever been asked of you, and the NHL couldn’t be happier. That’s terrific.

I, however, have a complaint. Every interview you give and every answer to every question you’re asked is starting to come off as the same canned response. Do you even listen to the question anymore, or do you just recite the next answer from the queue? For God’s sake kid, show some personality. We’ve seen the attitude on the ice so why can’t we see it off the ice too? I’m not asking you to call out a teammate or to let loose some sort of racial slur (ed. — Wouldn’t that be a fun exercise?), but the next time someone asks you what you think about Marian Hossa, say what you really think! You think he’s a punk, don’t you? You are dedicating this whole season to making him eat his words, right? Ovechkin won Rookie of the Year and now has his own Hart trophy too. Please tell me that this pisses you off. Please tell everyone that it pisses you off!

Just look at the responses you’ve given in your recent interviews. I’m paraphrasing slightly here:

They’re a good team. Give credit to them. They took it to us pretty good tonight. We have some things to work on, but give them all the credit. Some nights you go up against a team that is just better than you.

He’s a great player. He has world class speed and a world class shot. He’s got world class teammates. I’ve got world class teammates too, but give them credit. Those are some world class teammates. Plus, he’s a great player too.

I like lots of charities. I don’t like any better than any one better than any of the others, but I do like lots. There are lots of world class charities. Some of those charities are just great. All charities are good because they give charity, of course, but some charities are world class. That’s not taking anything away from non world class charities; it just means they aren’t world class. Yet.

You see what I’m getting at here, Sid? We get it. You’re a nice guy. You’re a likable chap that doesn’t want to offend anyone. Your parents raised you well and all that. That’s great, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t becoming a bit stale. Show some personality once in a while. Call someone out for a cheap shot. Let the fans know that, no, the other team wasn’t better and your team just stunk tonight. Please, please, please tell someone – anyone – that you want to end up with more MVP awards, more points, and more Cups then Ovechkin. There’s nothing wrong with that. You want to be the best and it is OK. We all know you could have just as easily won that Rookie of the Year award. Just say you know it too.

Above all else though, just one time, can we please hear you walk up to a microphone, clear your throat, then say: “Marian Hossa, get bent. We’ll see you in the Finals.”

Thanks for listening, Sid.

-Malkin’s Bodyguard (Mike)

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