10 Crap Brewers Items They’d Like to Sell You

challenger

It was around this time last winter when I did a post about the most useless Milwaukee Brewers items for sale on the Internet. I believe it was a shout-out in an echo chamber similar to that of the Brewers’ current offseason.

Recently I came upon a post at the KC blog Royals Review, which goes over 17 official products available via Royals.com. Let’s just say most of it is a royal waste of money, although the sunglasses are pretty cool. Check that post out here.

So, anyway, I decided to do a little homage to the Royals Review take on official merchandise but via Brewers.com. I may do a follow-up post concerning the dozen or so items that are truly cool and available via the official Brewers shop online. However, the overwhelming majority of this stuff is overpriced garbage. The following are the worst, in my opinion.

By the way, this post may or may not be partly inspired by the incessant volume of emails from the Brewers inviting me to come over and shop at their online store.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS RYAN BRAUN HANDMADE LIMITED EDITION SERIGRAPH WITH DOUBLE MAT

($119.99)

Milwaukee Brewers Ryan Braun Handmade Limited Edition Serigraph Framed with Double Mat - MLB.com Shop
This arty piece, appropriately produced by a company called Sports Propaganda, is aesthetic enough for my tastes. I wouldn’t mind seeing it on a wall somewhere, but not for $120. Also, unfortunately it features a player that most Brewers fans have pretty mixed feelings about as it currently stands. “Join the Ranks,” yeah, anyone who’d pay that much for this has already received their marching orders, it’s fair to say. This thing does get marks for reportedly being limited to 200 copies.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS 16X20 HORIZONTAL DELUXE FRAME BY MOUNTED MEMORIES

($189.99)
10 Crap Brewers Items They'd Like to Sell You Milwaukee Brewers 16x20 Horizontal Deluxe Frame by Mounted Memories - MLB.com Shop

Add in shipping, and this picture frame will run you $200! What? Sure, it’ll look really snazzy and professional with whatever memorabilia you have, but is it worth it? No.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS MAT GAMEL OYO MINFIGURE – GEN 1 – LIMITED EDITION! [SIC]

($12.99)

 Milwaukee Brewers Mat Gamel OYO Minifigure - GEN 1 - Limited Edition! - MLB.com Shop

These little OYO figures are as cute as LEGO ones, no doubt. The price is relatively reasonable as well. I’m not sure what the unique OYO DNA number is, but I’m picking on this mostly because it’s Mat Gamel, the incredible vanishing prospect. I know, Gamel hurt his knees several times. I wanted him to succeed, but he and Rickie Weeks would be the last OYO figurines I would choose out of the assorted options.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS BOBBLEHEAD DISPLAY CASE BY CASEWORKS INTERNATIONAL

($39.99)

 Milwaukee Brewers Bobblehead Display Case by Caseworks International - MLB.com Shop

I may be out on a limb here, but I’m guessing most Brewers fans who would be interested in a team-logo bobblehead case have more than one bobblehead in their memorabilia collections. If you have five bobbleheads and you want to encase them all like this, that’ll run you about $250 or so including shipping. In addition, the Ichiro-like bobble shown is not included. I guess if you really wanted to give your favorite bobblehead the green-carpet treatment this is fine, but it’s still about $50 for very little return.

TOKENS & ICONS MILWAUKEE BREWERS GAME USED BASE STOOL

($1,099.99)

 Tokens & Icons Milwaukee Brewers Game Used Base Stool - MLB.com Shop

This stool is pretty cool, but over $1,100 a piece? Wow. This is for the 1-percenters, y’all. The seat is an authenticated game-used base, which is awesome. The description goes so far as to boast that it “features dirt stains and spike marks to let you know that it saw action on the diamond.” Nice, if you believe all that. I’m not saying I wouldn’t want one of these if they offered one for free, but even if I got it for nothing I’d be afraid I would spill beer or barbeque sauce on it.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS EVOLUTION BANNER FATHEAD

($89.99)

 Milwaukee Brewers Evolution Banner Fathead - MLB.com Shop

Generally I think Fatheads are pretty cool, though I’ve never purchased one. My beef with this is firstly, it’s about $100 with shipping, and secondly, the “evolution” offered is more of an embarrassment in my eyes.

The Brewers have too many different logos, as illustrated here. This set even highlights the obscure blue “M” from the ‘70s, along with two variations of the diamond-spike “M” from the mid/late-‘90s. Then on top of that you have the ugly crossed-girders “M/B” stuff from the ‘90s as well.

Assuming this comes with pieces you can take apart and re-arrange rather than one solid mass, it might be worth it. Don’t get me wrong, I like most of these logos individually, with the exception of the green “M/B” ‘90s stuff, which I find awful. The problem I have is this set accentuates the notion that the Brewers should probably simply shun all logos other than the Ball and Glove. The identity of the team is lost in the jumble with this. One logo that can dominate may be better than this mixed bag.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS DELUXE JOURNAL SET

($29.99)

 Milwaukee Brewers Deluxe Journal Set - MLB.com Shop

Folks, just buy a journal at a store for a lesser price and slap a Brewers sticker on it. This “deluxe” journal set has to be for the most introverted Brewers fans who absolutely must have officially licensed merch. Although, let’s face it, this team gives us all a sizable dose of harsh reality to process each year. We would likely do well to record our thoughts about the latest disappointments and then let our therapists/psychiatrists know how we feel.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS FAN MASK

($24.99)

 Milwaukee Brewers Fan Mask - MLB.com Shop

This odd monstrosity is actually priced affordably. My question regards what kind of drunken lunatic would truly want to wear this on game day? Produced by Foam Fanatics, the Fan Mask is “easier to wear” than a real catcher’s mask. It’s also a bit scary, though perhaps it wouldn’t look quite as unsettling without that pupil-less golden being inhabiting it. Not recommended for approaching strangers or prospective mates.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS HOODED BABY TOWEL

($19.99)

 Milwaukee Brewers Hooded Baby Towel - MLB.com Shop

This has to be my favorite discovery on the Brewers shop this year. First, the picture is hilarious. Parents: when you’re wrapping your infant in a towel, be sure to grab the “super soft terry cloth” hooded towel by Wincraft. Your baby will be soft and dry; (s)he’ll be protected from rain while simultaneously able to easily watch the game from under the hood, featuring a printed team logo officially licensed by MLB. At first glance, your baby may be mistaken for the child king of Wisconsin’s baseball team!

MILWAUKEE BREWERS 2002 ALL-STAR GAME PATCH 9FIFTY SNAPBACK ADJUSTABLE CAP

($15.97, ON CLEARANCE)  

 Milwaukee Brewers 2002 All-Star Game Patch 9FIFTY Snapback Adjustable Cap - MLB.com Shop

This item may take the cake for most useless this time around. I’m not sure why the hat has vaguely Mariners-or-Marlins-like colors, but I think most Brewers fans would like to distance themselves from the 2002 All-Star game and the fiasco that is attached to it. Hopefully the Brewers have officially discontinued the order and the Chinese are no longer producing these, because they look terrible. The hats look unaffiliated with the Brewers, and the 2002 All-Star game was a mostly bad memory in my opinion, a disgrace that started out as a pretty good ball game in Brew City. Torii Hunter’s catch is fondly remembered, but I wouldn’t wear a 2002 All-Star game item if you paid me.

Well that’s it folks, thanks for your attention and cooperation.

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