In a surprise turn of events less than 24 hours after National Signing Day, 13-year old David Sills verbally committed to USC. Sills is a highly-touted middle schooler from Delaware who, according to personal coach and future sex offender Steve Clarkson, “is better than [Jimmy Clausen and Matt Barkley]… You gotta take a look at him.”
Sills’ commitment puts USC’s 2015 class at #1 overall, ahead of other perennial powers Florida, Texas, and Alabama. “I’m really excited about USC. Today is almost as cool as last week when Sam and I set off fireworks in the back yard and scared the dog. Or two weeks ago when Jenny said ‘hi’ to me in the hallway. Coach Kiffin said that there’s about 2,000 Jenny’s at USC, and that I’d get laid every night, like I’m in Hawaii or something. I like those flower necklace things.”
Sills, a 7th grader, is already 6 feet tall, which begs the question, “Why not basketball?” His dad shot down those rumors immediately. “He’s white! Let’s look at the numbers here. How many white guys do you see in the NBA? Like 5. And all the good ones are from different countries, or in Steve Nash’s case, Canada. Now how many white starting quarterbacks are there in the NFL? About 30. That makes him about 1,000 times as likely to become a superstar QB.” When asked how many of those QBs came from Delaware, dad shot back “How many people are from Delaware? 253. And all of them will know who my son is one day.”
In related news, Urban Meyer was seen scouting kindergarteners at a local elementary school a few days ago. Meyer was impressed with Billy’s speed on the playground. “He’s got a quick first step. When that cootie girl came near him he faked a hard right, then took off to his left. Kinda like Percy Harvin, until Billy ran into the swing set. Hopefully he’ll be ok, I’d hate to see him suffer a career-ending injury just before his prime. He’s a special player.”
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