We’ve gotten pretty good at prognosticating over the years. It’s always a war, but we are never lost when it comes to soothsaying. Will it be it a glorious day or a dark night for your favorite team? 18to88 is here to tell you.
This year, we pay homage to the birth of Harrison Dunlevy, the latest child born with blue in his blood. We are rocking 2010 Harrison Ford style. As always, the predicted records are loosely based on a combination of predictions by the Football Outsiders, pythagorean wins, and our own personal biases.
UPDATE: Here’s a recap of how these predictions fared. Pretty well actually!
AFC EAST
| 10-6 | New England |
Allie Fox Mosquito Coast |
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“It’s an absolute sin to accept the decadence of obsolescence. Why do things get worse and worse? They don’t have to. They could get better and better. We accept that things fall apart.” |
| 9-7 | New York Jets |
Richard Walker Frantic |
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“Don’t mess with me, man! I am an American, and I am crazy” |
| 7-9 | Miami Dolphins |
Indiana Jones The Temple of Doom |
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“I’m allowing you to tag along. So why don’t you give your mouth a rest. Okay doll?” |
| 5-11 | Buffalo Bills |
Sgt. Joe Gavilan Hollywood Homicide |
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“Well we’ve got four mama’s boys down at the morgue. It wasn’t a game last night” |
AFC NORTH
| 12-4 | Baltimore Ravens |
Indiana Jones The Last Crusade |
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“I’m like a bad penny, I always turn up” |
| 10-6 | Pittsburgh Steelers |
Jack Trainer Working Girl |
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“The earth moved. The angels wept. The Polaroids are, are, uh…are in my other coat!” |
| 7-9 | Cincinnati Bengals |
Jack Ryan Patriot Games |
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“I am telling you I want back in!” |
| 3-13 |
Cleveland Browns |
Lt. Colonel Barnsby Force 10 From Navarone |
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“I did your job. Now help me do mine.” |
AFC SOUTH
| 13-3 |
Indianapolis Colts |
Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark |
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“I’m making this up as I go.” |
| 8-8 | Houston Texans |
Jack Ryan Clear and Present Danger |
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“Reciprocity.” That’s a clever name for it. Revenge is a very, very, very dangerous motivation” |
| 7-9 | Tennessee Titans |
President James Marshall Air Force One |
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“How can I do that? I can’t do that! DON’T ASK ME FOR SOMETHING I CAN’T GIVE YOU!” |
| 4-12 | Jacksonville Jaguars |
Colonel Lucas Apocalypse Now |
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“You understand, Captain, that this mission does not exist, nor will it ever exist…” |
AFC WEST
| 11-5 | San Diego Chargers |
Henry Turner Regarding Henry |
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-Hey Hank, watcha doin’? -Paintin’. Crackers. |
| 8-8 | Kansas City Chiefs |
Han Solo Star Wars |
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“What’re you lookin’ at? I know what I’m doin’.” |
| 6-10 | Denver Broncos |
Norman Spencer What Lies Beneath |
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“It was a passive/aggressive masterpiece.” |
| 5-11 | Oakland Raiders |
Richard Deckard Blade Runner |
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“Shakes? Me too. I get ’em bad. It’s part of the business.” |
NFC EAST
| 11-5 | Dallas Cowboys |
Linus Larrabee Sabrina |
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“You’re the world’s only living heart donor” |
| 10-6 | Washington Redskins |
Rusty Siebich Presumed Innocent |
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“I like you Rusty, but I think it’s over… It’s just not right for me. It’s over… I don’t want us to end enemies” |
| 9-7 | New York Giants |
Captain Alexei Vostrikov K-19: The Widow Maker |
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“We deliver, or we drown.” |
| 8-8 |
Philadelphia Eagles |
Dr. Richard Kimball The Fugitive |
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“What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area” |
NFC NORTH
| 12-4 | Green Bay Packers |
Bob Falfa American Graffiti |
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“Say, I like the color of your car there. What’s that s’posed to be? Sort of a cross between piss yella’ and puke green ain’t it?” |
| 9-7 |
Minnesota Vikings |
Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull |
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“Damn, I thought that was closer!“ |
| 8-8 | Chicago Bears |
John Book Witness |
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“If we’d made love last night I’d have to stay. Or you’d have to leave.” |
| 3-13 | Detroit Lions |
Quinn Harris Six Days, Seven Nights |
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“Well I’m the captain. That’s my job. It’s no good for me to go waving my arms in the air and screaming “Oh s**t, we’re gonna die!” That doesn’t invoke much confidence, does it?” |
NFC SOUTH
| 12-4 | Atlanta Falcons |
Han Solo Return of the Jedi |
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“I’m out of it a little while and everyone gets delusions of grandeur!” |
| 11-5 | New Orleans Saints |
David Halloran Hanover Street |
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-They’re shooting at us! How come every time we fly over, they shoot guns at us? -Because we drop bombs on them |
| 6-10 | Carolina Panthers |
Tom O’Meara The Devil’s Own |
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“Don’t look for a happy ending. This isn’t an American story. It’s an Irish one” |
| 5-11 | Tampa Bay Bucs |
Dr. Robert Stonehill Extraordinary Measures |
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“I’m going to go take a crap – if that meets with you fiscal approval…“ |
NFC WEST
| 8-8 | Arizona Cardinals |
Jack Stanfield Firewall |
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“Pack up your s**t and get out of here, now!” |
| 7-9 |
Seattle Seahawks |
Dutch Van Den Boreck Random Hearts |
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“You know what I do for a living? I get paid to notice stuff. I get paid to know who’s lying. I didn’t have a clue” |
| 7-9 |
San Francisco 49ers |
Tommy The Frisco Kid |
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“You give me the pee doodles“ |
| 5-11 |
Saint Louis Rams |
Bellhop Dead Heat on a Merry Go Round |
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“Paging Mr. Ellis!” |
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