This is the “last season at Yankee Stadium”…since when?!?

If you didn’t…I’m pretty sure you’ve been in a coma. And if you did…you should have made a drinking game out of it. Hell, you’d have been more tipsy than David Wells throwing a perfect game had you decided to imbibe.

All that aside, I can’t bash the All-Star game. Some of my fondest moments as a lifelong baseball fan have come as a result of the Mid Summer Classic. Suffice it to say…I was ecstatic when I heard about FOX’s super hyped “Red Carpet” special PRIOR to the game.

This thing promised to feature everything you could ever want leading up to an All-Star Game…Hall of Famers, All-Stars and no Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest is officially everywhere now, right?!?

So here goes.

6:00pm CST The season long love affair with Yankee Stadium continues with this opening montage. Something tells me that if this game was played in Flushing…we wouldn’t get Darth Vader doing the voiceover. Odds are we’d get some James Earl Jones knock off LONG before we heard from the real deal. I don’t even want to think about the voiceover the last season at Riverfront or Veterans Stadium would have garnered.

6:01pm “Emerald green grass”…shown VIVIDLY in glorious black and white highlights.

6:02pm There’s Don Larsen’s no-hitter and Chris Chambliss blasting through the fans after his memorable walk off home run. Think we’ll see David Cone’s perfect game? Thought not.

For the record, I have no desire to EVER go to New York. That being said…I’d just about sell my soul for about an hour in Monument Park.

6:03pm “We celebrate these memories and look to make one more” says Darth Vader. Obviously this was edited long before the over fellating of Josh Hamilton and his Home Run Derby performance Monday night.

6:04pm Here’s that red carpet we’ve heard all about! Wait…this thing is sponsored by Chevy? Who knew?!?

They just informed us that a cab ride from Bryant Park to Yankee Stadium is twenty bucks? According to MapQuest…we’re looking at a three mile ride. Three miles for twenty bucks…why so cheap, New York!

And there’s A-Rod in a suit…pretty much destroying ALL belief that this is a “live” event.

Eck minus the mullet…I don’t like it.

Mark Grace ladies and gentlemen! Some would call Grace a Hall of Famer…not me. Sorry, Bushaw.

6:05pm Apparently New York is the home for some memorable parades. 1945…the Japanese surrender ending World War 2. 1960…JFK makes his way to the Big Apple. This past January…the Giants win the Super Bowl. Tuesday night…this disaster.

Yes…it’s taken all of five minutes to sour me.

6:06pm Oh, Mark Grace is making Joan Rivers jokes. These things are both as clever and timely as Monica Lewinsky references or the two guys being interviewed…Whitey Ford and Yogi Berra. My lame jokes aside, imagine the tail that Ford and Berra inherited just by hanging out with Mickey Mantle.

6:07pm Oh…it’s A-Rod again and yes, I will avoid any and all Madonna references. What I won’t avoid is the fact that he says he’s excited to see Hank Aaron, Willie Mays and Willie McCovery.

6:08pm A-Rod just thanked the “good Lord” for his fan support. Nothing wrong with that I suppose…but how about thanking the fans for that support, hmmmmm?

6:09pm Did she just say “RYAN” Sandberg? On a side note…I don’t know how I feel about Ryno. Met him once…meh.

6:12pm This red carpet is full of ALL the All-Stars…including the North American VP of Chevrolet Ed Peper. Cha-ching!

6:13pm Did someone mention this thing was at Yankee Stadium? If not, my favorite (no joke) baseball player of all time, George Brett, was just asked about the “pine tar incident” which happened to occur at Yankee Stadium. As a nine year-old in 1983, I had NO freaking clue what this thing was all about. All I knew was that there was my hero freaking out and Goose Gossage and Billy Martin being involved. I cried.

6:14pm Jonathan Papelbon just referenced the need for him to be riding in the “Pope Mobile”. Classic.

Apparently there was some flack about Papelbon saying he’d close out the game if asked and that is what drew the ire (this time) of the Yankees faithful. Personally, I’m on the fence. Papelbon can be lights out…but Mariano Rivera looks like a cross between a zombie and a burn victim. And let’s face it…who wouldn’t want Ghost Rider on the bump in a close game?

6:15pm It’s nice to see some fan had the foresight to bring out some newspaper with a “PAPELBUM” headline. Stay classy, New York.

6:16pm Did they really just introduce Mayor Michael Bloomberg as New York’s “ultimate closer”? Why…did John Franco die?!?

6:17pm Oh look…as we head off to break, there’s Reggie Jackson situated right in front of a “Fringe” banner. How convenient.

6:20pm Okay…I’m confused. We’re twenty minutes in and so far, no mention of Jo…nevermind, there’s Josh Hamilton now.

6:21pm You know, I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but Hamilton had a substance abuse problem. Combine that with the talk about this being the last year of Yankee Stadium and somehow I’ve found my two least favorite pieces of information of the last decade.

6:24pm Finally, we get to hear from Reggie Jackson and to no one’s surprise, he is quick to reference his three home runs in the 1977 World Series. I mean, I’ve NEVER heard him talk about that…have you?

6:26pm “Mr. November” Derek Jeter just referenced this season as being the last one at Yankee Stadium. Has someone alerted the media? I’m not sure this has been publicized enough.

6:30pm Ooooh, highlights from the “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” contest (sponsored by Baby Ruth) judged by William Peterson and Bernie Williams. I mean, who would YOU have judge it? Please shoot me.

6:31pm Hooray…a 9-11 reference! I was wondering how long this would take.

6:32pm This “parade” was just called the “greatest collection of baseball stars in history”. Take THAT Hall of Fame induction ceremony!

6:33pm We just learned that Chipper Jones apparently became a switch hitter because his dad was a Mickey Mantle fan. Fair enough…why the stupid nickname, Larry?

6:34pm Hey look…Chase Utley and his dad! Nevermind…it’s only Mike Schmidt. And surprise, surprise, Schmidt just referenced Pete Rose. Give is up Mike…he’s not getting into the Hall of Fame.

6:35pm Hmmm…there’s Ben Sheets situated in front of another “Fringe” banner. What’s this “Fringe” show I’m, seeing so much about?

6:39pm Ugh…a shot of Terry Francona in the Yankees clubhouse. I think I’m going to be sick.

6:40pm Mark Grace just told us it would be “un-American” for him to NOT talk to a Cub. And who does he talk to…Kosuke Fukudome.

Grace just talked to “Mr. Cub” Ernie Banks who said he never played at Yankee Stadium. A two second search over at Baseball-Reference shows that Banks was the starting shortstop in the 1960 All-Star Game. Incidentally, that was the THIRD to last All-Star Game played at Yankee Stadium.

6:42pm Some dolt just told Hank Aaron that he “did a lot of winning”. Memo to world, Aaron appeared in THREE post season series in 23 seasons. Oh, and here’s a brain bender…Aaron appeared in 25 All-Star Games in those 23 seasons. Figure THAT one out, gang!

6:43pm What…Spike Lee is at a New York sporting event. Who knew?!? Good thing he was on hand to mention this being the “last season at Yankee Stadium”.

6:48pm Why do people feel the need to talk to Make-a-Wish kids like they are puppies?

6:51pm Willie Mays loves hearing himself talk. Something tells me that he could (and would) take 20 minutes to explain to you how to spell his name and he STILL wouldn’t have made any sense.

6:52pm David Duchovny is giving his Yankee Stadium memories (apparently this is the last year) and there was no mention of the upcoming X-Files movie. How does that happen, FOX?

6:55pm Last night Bon Jovi performed some All-Star Game concert. Nothing says “New York” like New Jersey! Just ask the Giants and Jets!

6:56pm Before this extravaganza was put to bed, we’re reminded again about this being the last season at Yankee Stadium. Since when?

6:57pm And if that wasn’t enough we were greeted with an abortion of a rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” sung by a bunch of random New York turds: Regis, Michael Strahan, some sidewalk vendor, future sidewalk vendor Lawrence Taylor, Whoopi Goldberg, a bunch of others and for some reason Darryl Strawberry.

What…was Roger Clemens not available?!?

I’d love to give some insight about the game, but why bother? It was a long, long night.