***The following was written by The Hall of Very Good’s newest contributor…Kevin Chanel.***
No one can doubt the esteemed credentials of Fox baseball analyst Tim McCarver.
He played the game. He even appeared in two World Series matchups as a member of the St. Louis Cardinals.
He has to have been at least somewhat smart; he caught Rick Wise’s 1971 no-hitter while with the Phillies, and Wise was no Sandy Koufax.
He has been announcing World Series games since the mid-80’s, and will again take the mic as Joe Buck’s color man when Texas visits San Francisco tonight for Game One.
So why is such an accomplished announcer so reviled?
Why are there such a multitude of web pages (as well as at least one website) devoted to the mind-boggling inanities blurted by this bloated blowhard?
How is that his palaver can be so moronic that he makes his able sidekick, the basically adept play-by-play man Joe Buck, sound just as bad as he?
While history is gorked with lovable gaffes, famed bon mots and collected quotes of some of the game’s best announcers and characters (Jerry Coleman, Dizzy Dean, Keith Hernandez and the great Yogi Berra, to name several), McCarver’s legacy is that of a man so enamored with the sound of his own voice that he could take
basic baseball knowledge and information and drawl it, stretch it and drain any potential interest from it.
His sparse word spacing, painstaking attention to the obvious and focused over-importance on metered explanation are the slowest form of torture this side of a 19th century Chinese prison.
While his litany of boredoms are well-documented, we prefer to look to the future; the immediate future. Like…the 2010 World Series. We know he’s going to make a three-hour game seem like the full canon of Berlin Alexanderplatz, so here are a few precognitive gems to listen for:
“Well Joe…you will find…out in the bay…of San Francisco…people have been…taking their…boats…and…sitting…in the bay…to catch…home runs.” (elapsed time: 0:52)
“One thing…about the hair…of Tim…Lincecum. (pause) By…continuing to grow…and…not…cut..his hair…he was able to…achieve…longer hair.” (time elapsed: 1:22)
“With all the…troubles…that Josh Hamilton…had…in his early…career…he…Hamilton…has…overcome…a lot…to..become…a solid…hitter.” (time elapsed: 0:45)
“Joe, a funny thing…is that…either win…or lose…Texas Rangers catcher…Bengie Molina…will…receive…a World Series ring…from the…winning…team….no matter what…because he…earlier in this season…he played…for this San Francisco…Giants…team…and now…he is catching…for the…opponent…the Texas Rangers…due to…a…midseason…trade. (long pause) And he…I think…has a good reason…since he did play…for…this…San Francisco…Giants…team.” (elapsed time: from the second out of the fifth inning to four minutes into the postgame wrap-up)
“The…strike zone…of…John Hirschbeck…appears to have…a range…which covers…the plate…from the…left…to the…right…and possibly…at the…lowest point…from…what looks like…around the knees…of each hitter…to…somewhere…up to the…midsection…of…the…batter.” (elapsed time: two innings, including voiced over a “Grab Some Buds” Budweiser ad)
Have you heard any good McCarver-isms? Post them below. In the meantime, head on over to YouTube and soak up the wit and witicisms of the longtime broadcaster.
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