7 Ways That YOU Can Help the Sabres Tank by @LukeWachob

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” – Mohandas Gandhi

Let’s get this out of the way right now: Boston is the worst. They win when you want them to lose but as soon as it would actually help, the big bad Bruins turn into cuddly little teddy bears. They’re in 8^th place, fighting for their playoff lives, at home, facing the worst team in modern NHL history – who just happened to play a full game and overtime the night before – and THEY LOSE?? And people say tanking is disgraceful.

The Bruins just lost at home to Buffalo and we’re not sure which team is more upset about it.

— SB Nation NHL (@SBNationNHL) March 18, 2015

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But whatever. It’s done. The Sabres are now just 4 and 3 points back from both Edmonton and Arizona with 11 and 12 games remaining for each. Oh, and Anders Lindback is playing lights out while the Coyotes haven’t won in regulation or overtime since February 3^rd.

I know you’re nervous, Sabres fans, so I’m here to help put all of that anxiety and unrest to productive use. Many people say tanking is just a front office strategy, but when the stakes are this high and the gap is this narrow, everyone needs to chip in. Here’s how YOU can play your part to help Buffalo finish last:

• 1) Argue about tanking on Twitter

Fans have intense disagreements about whether tanking is sound strategy or an affront to paying customers. Naturally, the only way to bridge this divide is by yelling very loudly. Through Twitter, you can tell people who already agree with you how wrong those other people are. This is called winning hearts and minds, and it worked wonders for the Bush Administration when they brought peace to the Middle East. Tweeting complaints is the best way to solve society’s biggest problems and it can save your favorite sports team too.

• 2) Think about it literally all of the time

Finishing last is important, damnit, and when was the last time you achieved something important without focusing on it? With 12 games left, you need to spend every minute between them worrying. The Hockey Gods must see that we loved McEichel first and most or they will spurn us for the Southwest, as they are wont to do. Even if we somehow miss both players, the months of stress leading up to the draft will serve as much-needed fuel for outrage for the rest of McDavid’s and Eichel’s careers. And isn’t getting angry what sports is all about?

• 3) Tell Mike Robitaille that he is wrong

It’s only been 70 games, Mike probably just hasn’t heard your irrefutable argument for why we should tank for the top pick yet. Call into WGR at every available opportunity to explain to him why he’s wrong and should root for losses. Then tweet the same thing to Mike Harrington. I’m sure they’ll change their minds any day now. Once they do, it’ll spark a chain reaction of persuasion that ultimately leads to Ted Nolan choosing to play without a goalie from now on.  You know, probably.

• 4) Sign up for texts from WGR

We’ve all been there: it’s late at night and you’re in bed waiting to drift to sleep, but there’s one thing missing. Why isn’t a morning sports talk radio guy texting me about the Arizona Coyotes? Well, your prayers have finally been answered. This is a really great idea because the best time to be reminded of stressful events you have no control over is right as you’re trying to fall asleep. And without it, how would we ever find out what Jeremy White thinks about the events of the day?

• 5) Comment on the Sabres Facebook Page.

Hockey coaches and players are notorious for taking unsolicited advice from Facebook comments about how they should approach the game, so be sure to add your two cents. Pro tip: misspell players’ names to show that you’re a real fan and not one of those hater nerds. You might even be featured on one of the best Buffalo sports twitter accounts.

• 6) If you have access to a player or team employee’s phone, mess around with their alarm clock.

Sports teams have a habit of suspending players for repeated instances of lateness, and you have to figure Ted Murray would love to hand out a few 12-game suspensions at this point in the season. This isn’t about tanking, though, this is about accountability. If Anders Lindback is 5 minutes late to practice, by god, we need to charter him a plane back to Sweden to think about what he’s done. Until April 12^th. Because professionalism.

• 7) Convince the team that the April 1^st game versus the Toronto Maple Leafs has been cancelled.

This one is more for GMTM than the fans, but we can help out. We need to trick the team into not showing up for the Toronto game. I don’t mean “not showing up” as in “unprepared to play,” I mean it literally. Tell the coaches and players the game has been cancelled and forfeit the points when no one shows up. You can’t do this every game, of course – that would be tanking. But if we only do it for the Toronto game on April 1^st, we can say it’s just a good-natured April Fools’ prank. The league will never catch on. Seriously, they’re pretty dumb.

Got ideas of your own? Share them in tweets or comments. Or scream them off a nearby rooftop. Better yet, write them on a piece of cardboard and wander around downtown until Sabres executives see you. Just remember: only YOU can prevent the Sabres finishing 29^th