A Declaration of Ruben Independence

(With apologies to Thomas Jefferson)

IN MY OFFICE, July 4, 2015

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteenth row of section 203 of Citizens Bank Park

When in the course of athletic events, it becomes necessary for Philadelphia baseball fans to dissolve themselves of any notion that The Phillies will win any more baseball games. A decent respect for the national pastime requires that all their fans declare the causes of this once great team’s demise.

We hold these truths to be self evident that all fans are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, That among these are the Right to watch players on the field giving a one hundred percent effort at all times, that Team management respect the opinions of their   fans and That every person in the organization perform their duties for the pursuit of victories.

The history of the present General Manager is a history of repeated mistakes and player personnel mismanagement, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolutely horrendous baseball team. To prove this let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

• Extended players contracts so fiscally burdensome that trading them is impossible.
• Signed Jonathan Papelbon, whose reputation for douchebaggery is the only expectation he has lived up to. (Also an impossible contract to “trade”)
• Signed an aging Placido Polanco to replace the aging Pedro Feliz
• Signed an aging Michael Young to replace the aging Polanco
• Signed Delmon Young
• Traded good prospects for Hunter Pence.
• Traded Hunter Pence for bad prospects.
• Traded Cliff Lee for prospects. The only one who has played for the big league club, Phillippe Aumont. Enough said.
• He has excited insurrection in the stands and his team plays so poorly that “the wave” has been replaced by “cesspool.”

In every stage of these-and many other- transgressions, we have petitioned the General Manager for redress and commitment to excellence only to be dismissed as ignorant rubes by the ignorant Ruben.

We fans, therefore, by the authority of our collective passion for the game of baseball and love of The Philadelphia Phillies, solemnly publish and declare that we are absolved from all allegiance to The General Manager and his contract ought to be totally dissolved

And for the support of this Declaration we mutually pledge to our team our support, our money and our honor.

Happy Independence Day Phillies Fans