The NHL Season is DAYS away. This is going to be my first season as the Editor of BMR, so this is the first season preview as well. In years past, Kevin asked Loser Domi and myself to compile a divisional preview with some sort of prediction involved. Not me. I’m no monster. Kevin and Domi can do whatever the hell they want. I’m going to just go ahead and do a post with no research, and one-liners that will likely devolve into mean spirited commentary on the places these teams come from. I can’t wait to hear your angry responses!
Northeast Division
– Montreal Canadiens – I think everyone can get behind hating the Canadiens. They are from another country and speak a different language. This is AMERICA, dammit, and it’s going to piss us off when they win the Northeast
– Buffalo Sabres – I can’t tell you how much I like Thomas Vanek. No really. Restraining order.
– Boston Bruins – The Bruins are just going to be worn out from all that partying and being assholes!
– Ottawa Senators – The Senators are pretty bad at their chosen profession. If they have one thing going for them, however, it’s that they aren’t the Maple Leafs.
– Toronto Maple Leafs – I would love to say something nice about the Leafs. I think their blue sweaters looks sharp!
Atlantic Division
– Pittsburgh Penguins – I just can’t STAND the city of Pittsburgh, or the teams in Pittsburgh or any of the players that play in Pittsburgh. I’m looking at you, Dustin Jeffrey
– New York Rangers – They could easily win this division, if they can somehow turn smug into goals.
– New York Islanders – The Islanders could shoot so far north in the standings they end up in Quebec
– Philadelphia Flyers – The Flyers employed an interesting strategy of trading two of their best players this offseason. Let’s see how it all plays out!
– New Jersey Devils – Marty Brodeur is still playing? Has anyone seen Ken Daneyko lately?
Southeast Division
– Washington Capitals – Is this the year that Alexander Ovechkin breaks through and gets his team to the promised land? Maybe, but only if that promised land is Chuck E. Cheese.
– Tampa Bay Lightning – I continue to refuse to believe that Tampa is a real place.
– Winnipeg Jets – Try as I might, I can’t fluidly work a Teppo Numminen reference in. I can’t think of if a city more opposite from Atlanta than Winnipeg.
– Carolina Hurricanes – I think the Southeast is actually going to be a pretty decent division, and the Hurricanes and Jets will press for playoff spots. Oh, sorry, um… HAHA NORTH CAROLINA IS FOR REDNECKS!
– Florida Panthers – The Panthers probably made more roster changes this offseason than anyone. They have Marcel Goc, you guys!
Central Division
– Detroit Red Wings – You are a fool if you expect otherwise.
– Chicago Blackhawks – With a full offseason and without those pesky days with the Stanley Cup, I expect the Blackhawks to return to, um, better than last year.
– Columbus Blue Jackets – I like the addition of Jeff Carter to this squad. Also, nothing beats a BJ. (Same joke, different year)
– Nashville Predators – I know the Preds were 2nd in this division last year, and they didn’t exactly overhaul the roster, but I mean, come on! It’s the Nashville Predators!
– St. Louis Blues – Huh. These guys are still here.
Pacific Division
– Anaheim Ducks – The Ducks are in the upswing of their typical really good to really bad cycle. Also, they have Disney Land!
– Los Angeles Kings – LOS ANGELES IS TURNING INTO A HOCKEY TOWN! Well, you know, right after suntanning.
– San Jose Sharks – It’s not good when you are the third best team in California, but this is what happens when you become the Minnesota Wild.
– Dallas Stars – I thought for a really, really long time, but I can’t think of a joke about the Dallas Stars.
– Phoenix Coyotes – The ‘Yotes are back where they belong, last place! Of course, they ACTUALLY belong in Winnipeg, but that ain’t happening.
Northwest Division
– Minnesota Wild – No, this is not homerism. I swear! The Wild are now the Sharks, and they will get the mst regular season points before crapping the bed in the playoffs. Science!
– Vancouver Canucks – The Sedins are right behind Minnesota. THEY’RE RIGHT BEHIND US. I feel cold!
– Colorado Avalanche – Stastny. That is all. He will ruin your life.
– Calgary Flames – Jarome Iginla is still there right? Anything else? No?
– Edmonton Oilers – I expect at least one or two players to go to the IR with frozen testicles at some point this season
I also think the Penguins win the Cup this year, because wouldn’t that be AWESOME AND AMAZING?! Your thoughts below!
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