A Question of Patriotism

Before we get to the meat of this article, I would like to pause for the playing of “God Bless America,” followed by the National Anthem and “Baby Got Back.”  Please rise, remove your hat or wig/weave if you’re wearing one, put your right hand over your heart, and choke an illegal immigrant while these songs play…

OK, back.  Everybody feeling good and patriotic?  Now that we have that out of the way, we need to address whether concession sales should stop during the playing of the National Anthem.  Before offering my impeccable opinion, I need to offer my unimpeachable credential for speaking out on this subject.  First off, I occasionally attend baseball games and therefore have to stand in lines at baseball games.  Secondly, I was in the Navy for 20 goddamned years and I spent plenty of time in what the Navy calls a combat zone, so technically speaking (the best kind of speaking) I’m a combat veteran.

Finally, I now work for the Air Force.  What could be more patriotic than a retired vet still suckling on the government teat?  Therefore, I am obviously qualified to blather on about this, so let’s get to blathering.

Some people are upset (I stole that intro line from Fox News and I’m not paying them a dime for it.   ‘Murica!) that at a recent game, concession stand workers were ordered to keep working while the National Anthem played.  This created a minor upset, for some reason.  It’s been a bad few weeks for Arte Moreno.  First, his handling of the Josh Hamilton situation has been widely questioned.  Now, he has to face the question of whether his workforce is patriotic, and all of this while Arte is still quite obviously Mexican.  Put another log on the fire!

Before I get into whether the non-stoppage for the anthem was right or wrong, let me first offer an amazingly simple solution to the problem:

 

That’s right, a flag lapel pin.  It deflects questions of patriotism like Captain America’s shield deflects bullets.  Have each concessions employee wear two of those (in case one falls off) and it will be impossible to question their patriotism no matter what they do.

OK, back to the question at hand: was it wrong for the workers to be ordered to keep working during the National Anthem?  Short answer: yes.  After the flag pin, nothing is more patriotic in America than commerce.  If I was to make a list of patriotic things in descending order, it would look like this:

1. Flag pins

2. Commerce

3. The actual flag

4. The National Anthem

5. Bacon

6. Boobs

7. Baseball

And so on.  The list is long and quite frankly it gets boring after the three Bs.  Point is, commerce is two whole places above the National Anthem, so commerce obviously overrules it.  That’s preschool math right there, people.  It’s also now on the internet so it has to be true.  If you disagree, you’re a nitwit.  Come at me, bro!

Disrespect to those who disagree aside, take a line-of-sight perspective.  If you can’t see the flag you can’t properly render respect to it.  Now this is patently untrue, but it helps my argument.  If you’re not in sight of the flag and in a business environment, business is more patriotic than the flag.  Look at it from a practical perspective: if they keep serving the customers there’s a chance some of them could get to their seats in time to catch the end of the anthem, and more anthem watchers = more patriotism.  Again, preschool math.

Finally, I should address the excuse proffered by the Angels for keeping them working, that it had to do with safety.  That’s weaksauce, but still a bit true.  The longer the lines get, the more agitated the people in the line get and the harder it is for people to maneuver around them.  It’s a potential hazard and it needs to be mitigated.  Potential hazards decrease patriotism.

Without a doubt, the workers need to keep working during the National Anthem.  Lord knows they don’t need a legitimate reason to slow down in any way.