Hello and welcome back to the college football picks, where I’m still an idiot. Last week’s record was 5-7, bringing my season mark down to 30-19, and included such gems as BYU over Michigan, the Arizona schools over the LA schools, and, yes, Oregon over Utah.
Thanks for making me look good, guys. Here are the week five picks.
South Carolina 17, Missouri 14 – Loser gets demoted to the ACC.
Oklahoma 45, West Virginia 28 – It’s the magic of Bob Stoops: Just when you expect nothing, he delivers everything.
TCU 58, Texas 43 – Can you imagine Mack Brown as Texas athletic director? He’d make Mike Bellotti look like the second coming of Oliver Luck.
Baylor 109, Texas Tech 87 – Because why the hell not.
Alabama 27, Georgia 24 – You think I’m picking against Saben as an underdog? Roll Damn Tide.
Ole Miss 41, Florida 17 – If Florida really is a legitimate team this year, I WILL BE THE LAST TO ADMIT IT. Ole Miss is going to blow them back to the Galen Hall era.
Tennessee 24, Arkansas 21 – Fast forward to December: Mike Huckabee Drops Out Of Presidential Race To Become New Razorbacks Head Coach; Bielema To Stay On As Scheduling Expert.
Texas A&M 37, Mississippi State 17 – Bringing in John Chavis – legal name Johnny, nickname The Chief – as defensive coordinator means that A&M is for real this year. Big Aggie win in a revenge game.
UCLA 42, Arizona State 17 – Also in December: Todd Graham, Asked To Return Stolen Headset To Best Buy, Flees Tempe In Tricked Out Dodge Durango.
Clemson 31, Notre Dame 24 – LOSER GETS DEMOTED TO THE ACC! WAIT, WHAT!?
Oregon 37, Colorado 31 – If Oregon is actually worse than Colorado, they might as well just cancel the program for a while.
Stanford 34, Arizona 21 – Sure, Stanford might not have a fancy new offense – but at least they didn’t give up 42 first half points in their biggest home game in five years.
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