Oh hi there. The D4L guys asked me to write a special post in exchange for Doug’s phone number. The drug dealer, not my brother-in-law obviously. Anyway, I agreed only if they let me add them to my wolfpack. Mission accomplished.
So, the Stanley Cup playoffs. That’s hockey right? I don’t watch much hockey, usually I’m too fucked up on Jager and cocaine to care about sports or anything like that. Ok, Phil just told me it’s hockey and that I’m a pussy. Anyway, I guess we should get started. First, I gotta stretch.
ROUND 1 – WEST
(1) San Jose Sharks vs. (8) Colorado Avalanche
Ok, so Rob told me that San Jose is good, but they choke faster than Melissa when Stu tries to get some head, but Colorado just sucks ass. Guess we’ll go with that. Sharks in 5.
(2) Chicago Blackhawks vs. (7) Nashville Predators
One time Phil told me I was an inbred from Tennessee, and since Nashville is in Kentucky that’s pretty close. Blackhawks in 5.
(3) Vancouver Canucks vs. (6) Los Angeles Kings
Hockey is popular in Canada. Nobody watches hockey here in L.A. Advantage: Canada. Canucks in 6.
(4) Phoenix Coyotes vs. (5) Detroit Red Wings
Why is there hockey in Phoenix? This makes no sense. Red Wings in 4.
ROUND 1 – EAST
(1) Washington Capitals vs. (8) Montreal Canadiens
I don’t understand French people unless I’m really fucked up, so Montreal has no chance. Capitals in 4.
(2) New Jersey Devils vs. (7) Philadelphia Flyers
One time in Philadelphia, a hooker tried to stab me with her heel. I don’t like Philadelphia anymore. Devils in 6.
(3) Buffalo Sabres vs. (6) Boston Bruins
Boston was 4-2 against Buffalo this year. I don’t know why I know that. Bruins in 7.
(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. (5) Ottawa Senators
Sidney Crosby is a little bitch. Still, the Penguins win here. Penguins in 6.
Check out the rest of Alan’s predictions after the jump…
ROUND 2 – WEST
(1) San Jose Sharks vs. (5) Detroit Red Wings
Remember what I said about the Sharks choking? Yeah, Stu dumped that bitch. She won’t call me though. Red Wings in 5.
(2) Chicago Blackhawks vs. (3) Vancouver Canucks
A cab driver told me that Patrick Kane can punch like Mike Tyson. I’m not fucking with Chicago. Blackhawks in 7.
ROUND 2 – EAST
(1) Washington Capitals vs. (6) Boston Bruins
Carlos likes the Capitals. I don’t know why, but his mom is hot so I believe him. Capitals in 5.
(2) New Jersey Devils vs. (4) Pittsburgh Penguins
I don’t really think Pittsburgh would win this series, but Gary Bettman told me they would. He seems mean. Penguins in 7.
CONFERENCE FINALS
(2) Chicago Blackhawks vs. (5) Detroit Red Wings
Is this shit even legal? I don’t know what to pick here, but this video is funny. I like Johan Franzen. Red Wings in 7.
(1) Washington Capitals vs. (4) Pittsburgh Penguins
That Bettman guy tried to tell me that Sidney Crosby is amazing and that he should always win so his daddy is happy, but I like Carlos better. Capitals in 6.
STANLEY CUP FINALS
Washington Capitals vs. Detroit Red Wings
Holy shit, this series looks more fun than that time we stole a cop car in Vegas. I don’t really know who would win, but Bob wouldn’t let me gamble with him in Vegas unless I picked the Red Wings, so we’ll do that. Red Wings in 6.
Now leave me alone, I’m gonna go play blackjack.
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