(This is an editorial by Earl Montclair; the views of this deranged maniac do not necessarily reflect the views of Undercard Superstar. They might, but they might not. You can find other editorials here and here.)
Contributor: Earl Montclair
UFC Fight Night: Do Greg Jackson A Solid was Saturday night and I can say one thing and one thing for sure: I hated that shit.
Cummins v Narvaez – Well, I didn’t watch this because it is on FYTE PASS and I could think of several thousand things that I would rather spend my money on, including purchasing sketchy rub and tugs for one Nolan Howell. Cummins won I guess, or something.
Tuck v Lindsey – This fight sure did take place on the card that is for sure. Tuck looked like he smeared a concoction of McDonald’s Hot Mustard, the pee of a severely dehydrated man, and Josh Koscheck hair clippings onto his head in preparation for the night’s fight. Even if that was all he did to prepare for this fight, it was more prep than Lindsey put in. I honestly would rather watched a 15 minute one-shot stream of people at the library than watch “The Librarian” fight again. Tuck finishing the fight with a liver kick from back mount would have been awesomer if the fight wasn’t a pile of turds on top of a cloud of farts.
Jorgenson v Martinez – Poor Scotty, he got the shit beat out of him en route to a well-earned decision victory over a guy from Xplode Fight Series. The absolute last thing Scott needs to be doing is getting into wars at this stage in his career. Along the lines of regional fighters named Martinez, considering the fact that the Octagon has been “graced” by some of the most menial of regional talent with the exponential explosion of fight cards the fact that Tachi Palace mainstay Poppies Martinez has not gotten a phone call by Sean Shelby is a goddamn crime. I say get his ass in there and lets see what Poppies can do. The only stipulation is that he has to be cornered by the Tachi Palace ring girls. I likes me a ring card girl about 5’10”, 220 with scars on her thighs.
Benoist v Voelker – I don’t have shit to say about this other than Benoist’s new haircut/facial hair combo makes him look like he is trying to be cast in “Honey, I Shrunk Frank Mir: The Musical.”
Meza v Pettis – The only good thing Sergio did for this fight was get a damn haircut. The “Dan Galvan” is not a haircut any adult male should sport under any circumstance. Yaotzin Meza has the same tattoo as Danny Martinez only flipped over and put on his back instead of his chest. Pettis at Flyweight needs to happen. Suck it up and cut the weight, Princess.
Caraway v Perez – Goyito continues to fizzle out at a horrifyingly-rapid pace. Caraway made him look like a chump and not-at-all to the surprise of me. I honestly thought Bryan would strangle him in the 3rd but Perez couldn’t even hang on that long. Speaking of Mr. Tate, you cheating, woman striking (allegedly), 3rd-round coasting assclown. Nice fish hook on Goyito to. You and your girlfriend are the most hideous people in MMA today. You were better than Perez, you didn’t need to cheat and you did because you can’t help but be the most insufferable twat this side of the 209.
Edwards v Hallmann – Yves lost. I hated that shit for sure. Yves, if you hang ’em up, it has been a hell of a run and I believe you will be a fantastic trainer. I hope you are at UFC Fan Expo so we can share some potato chips. I got a bag with your name on it. Also, Mario Yamasaki, take a fucking point for repeated fouls. Yves got poked a lot and you did jack shit which is pretty typical for you these days.
dos Anjos v High – Bad refereeing plagued this card, I mean the UFC, I mean the sport. Jason High was a victim of this by getting his eyeballs fingerblasted (much like Yves did) and then was also the victim of a finishing sequence of hammerfists tot he back of the head. Nothing was warned, nothing was said and the fight was waived off with a TKO stoppage for Rafael. After the finish, High got up and shoved Kevin Mulhall. You fucking moron. I don’t give a shit if the ref calls time mid-round to give your girlfriend a pair of Arabian Goggles cageside. You don’t ever touch an official. You need to be cut, you deserve to be cut and you have no one to blame but your dumb self.
Dodson v Moraga – This was perfectly acceptable and left me without a lot to hate. Other than Moraga’s heinous tattoos, that is. Dodson asploded his nose something awful. Give that man a title shot. He deserves it. Also, the photoshop of Dodson’s head on Overeem’s body is definitely worth a look.
Diego Sanchez, Jeff Collins, Chris Tellez & Having Fucking Eyeballs v Ross Pearson – We all joked about it. Hell, some of us were only half-joking. Diego would get his ass handed to him in blatantly obvious fashion and somehow escape with a gift decision AND HOLY FUCK DID THAT EVER HAPPEN. Jeff Collins’s scorecard was an absolute abortion. It very well could be the worst scorecard I have ever seen in UFC history. I don’t even know how this motherfucker ties his shoes in the morning, let alone puts pen to paper in an attempt to fill out a scorecard. He should not be allowed within 500 yards of a judges table, simple addition problems, motor vehicles, or a spork ever again. Chris Tellez, you are not much better off. 29-28 COULD have been the worst scorecard since 29-28 Sanchez over Martin Kampmann but luckily Mr. Collins bailed you out. You should be forced to change his adult diapers for the rest of your days. As for Diego, he is clearly a lunatic and the fact that he has a fan base is further proof of why I am so hesitant to tell people I am a fan of MMA. Anyone who enjoys Diego Sanchez is clearly the lowest common denominator. He is embarrassing and so are his fans, the people who judge his fights and anyone who offers anything at all redemptive about the alleged entertainment he provides. I really feel bad for Jon Anik who had to go in there and interview him as the winner. You are a better company man than me, Jon. That is for damn sure.
Henderson v Khabilov – I could barely watch the actual fight itself to be honest with you because, quite honestly I could not stop looking at Benson’s body (not to sound fruity or anything. That’s how it goes right? I’m so fuckin’ hetero, breh!) He was lean, cut to shreds and looked physically unreal. Truthfully, the fight was great fun and that finishing sequence was just a thing of beauty. Also, a very special suck it to Josh Hall. Benson Henderson by Choke Submission.
-Earl can be reached @EarlMontclair.
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
