The NHL season is back! My loyalty lies with the Minnesota Wild, so I wanted to be sure to get an interview with the home town team. Fortunately, I was able to get an interview with captain Mikko Koivu. The best part was that the team wished me well in the interview. Their exact words were "good luck!".
BMR: There were some big changes to the Wild this offseason. What do you think was the most important?
MK: My descent into the deepest depths of the netherworld and bargained with Satan himself and exchange for my soul, I have been given the power of a thousand demons. Parise and Suter were also nice additions.
BMR: Oh wow! Sounds like a busy offseason! Was it nice to hear the fans cheering for you against Colorado on Saturday night?
MK: The sounds of 18000 fans pale in comparison to the wailing of infinite souls wailing in agony for all eternity.
BMR: What will be the biggest key for the Wild this year?
MK: Possession
BMR: Of the puck? Or um.. right. So, this whole demon thing… Do the flames coming off of your entire body cause problems to the ice?
MK: The cold abyss that once was my heart is more than enough to stifle the flames that erupt all around me.
BMR: What about the spiders that crawl from your mouth every time you open it?
[At this point, Devil Koivu offers an unbroken, pupil-less stare, and I begin to feel my chest constrict, as though my very soul is being ripped from my body. I break the stare and move on!]
BMR: All right, moving on! What do you think you can offer this team?
MK: The allegiance of millions of hellions, evil demons and the eternal damnation of our enemies. Also, I'm a strong back checker.
BMR: I am beginning to see why people thought that this interview might go poorly. Jesus, you're frightening.
[Upon saying the name 'Jesus' Devil Koivu hisses and exposes a mouth full of fangs. A smaller Koivu head emerges from his mouth and hisses at me as well, then Devil Koivu retreats into the darkness]
Thanks for the interview, Minnesota Wild and Devil Mikko Koivu! Please don't haunt my nightmares!
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