Hello, Everyone. My name is Carter Ashton, and I was just given a 20 game suspension. I’d like to explain myself, because I think that I owe my fans an explanation.
I tested positive for a substance that is not approved for human use in neither Canada nor the U.S. If I was from one of those wacky ex-Soviet regimes or whatever, this would be way easier, because I could just blame it on relying on the medical traditions of a place where hamburgers eat people. But, I’m from Winnipeg and grew up in Saskatoon, which means that if I wanted to be on stuff, there’s more than enough meth and Oxycontin out there. I’d say I know a guy, but that’s basically just going home and throwing a rock.
Honestly, I’ve had a bit of a rough go. Until Mike Sillinger came along, my dad was the most traded NHL player ever. I know that’s no excuse, but it didn’t exactly set me up for a healthy home life. When you’re a hockey player’s kid, and you play hockey, and your dad’s the epitome of a rented mule…it weighs on your psyche a bit. It hurts. There were times when I doubted that I could even be an NHL player, just from this experience. I had to work extra hard just to get noticed. The amatuer hockey world of the west is an incredible amount of pressure for anyone to work in. It’s hard.
Anyway, don’t you guys think that if I was really on something that would enhance my performance, I’d be getting better numbers on my ice time? Even on the Marlies, I was good, but not that good. If I was really trying to improve my performance with drugs, I’d have an improved performance. Given my numbers, if I was on performance enhancers, my dealer has a LOT of explaining to do, and I demand a refund.
Wait…uhhhh…I mean…I had an asthma attack, and I forgot that I had my horse inhaler. For horses with asthma. Because human asthma stuff doesn’t work on me. Yeah, that’ll seem legit. Horse asthma.
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