An open letter to Craig Monroe

Dear Craig Monroe,
Hi! Welcome to the Twins organization. I hope you’re looking forward to your time here in Minnesota, because I think it could be fun. My dad already calls Justin Morneau “Monroe”, so imagine the first time you come to the plate and asks just who the heck you are. “Monroe,” I’ll say. He’ll pause and say, “Boy that sure doesn’t look like Monroe. Are you sure that’s not Rondell?” And I’ll respond, “No, that’s not White.” To which he’ll say “I know he’s not white, which is why I know it’s not Monroe.” The borderline racist Abbot and Costello will continue for about 15 minutes until Dad thinks I’m pulling his leg. From then on, you’ll be Rondell White in his eyes. Sorry.
But really, we can totally be friends, because I like corner outfielders that can hit, especially righties so you’ll have to get that stroke back. Last year was a tough one, but looking at your statistics, it’s very clear to me what your problem is. You used to be a high average hitter, but then you started to hit some home runs. This must have been quite a rush for you, because you started swinging at everything. Your walks went down, your strikeouts went up and your batting average went to hell. This can be fixed though! Just relax! Take it easy! Don’t swing at everything! I’d rather have you getting on base, hitting balls in the gap than hitting 20 HRs and striking out 120 times.
Sure, some might say that if we wanted to pay someone 5 million to hit .220 we should just give Nick Punto a raise. Not me thought. No. I’m optimistic. Stop striking out, and I think we can be friends.
– Ryan

AN OPEN LETTER TO BILL SMITH
Bill –
What the f**k was that?
– Ryan?

(A P.S. to the readers. I’m headed out of town this weekend, so expect more Steve, less updates and a little bit o’ Beth tomorrow)