Angels X-Mas List

I know it is a little late, but it is time to send Santa my Christmas list- Angels style.  There are twelve days of Christmas so I’ve got twelve items on my personal wishlist of things I would like to see happen for the Angels this holiday season:

• A fifth starter.  And not one of those crappy Salt Lake knock-off version fifth starters.  I want one that actually is pretty good or at least could be.  I hear they have some Ben Sheets on sale at Wal-Mart.
• A lefty-specialist.  I know the Angels got one of those for Christmas a few years ago and it was pretty good, but it looks like they accidentally forgot it in Texas, so we need a new one, preferably someone a little younger.
• A dominant right-handed reliever.  Actually, if you get one of these for the Angels and make him the closer, then we don’t need the lefty-specialist.  Brian Fuentes can do that.  Well, he probably can’t but still, just give him something else to do besides closing.  Either way, a new kick-ass closer would really be like two gifts for the price of one.  You can’t pass that kind of savings up in this economy.
• Jack Zduriencik’s head in a box.  Quit trying to steal all our players and trade targets, asshole!
• For someone to wake me up and tell me it was a dream that Roy Halladay got traded to the Phillies.  I was so certain the Angels were going to get him and I just refuse to believe it.  I have the feeling Tony Reagins kind of feels the same way.
• To not look so much like John Lackey.  More than a few times I have gone to Angels games and had random people tell me how much I look like John Lackey.  That used to be kind of fun, now I am worried that the next time I set foot in Angel Stadium I am going to have beers dumped on my head.
• To finally have the Anaheim dropped from the Angels’ name.  I am not an OC native so I really don’t give a crap about paying homage to Anaheim.  The LA name gives the team more national recognition, but the damned “of Anaheim” part still leads to all sorts of tired-ass jokes all these years later.  Just put everyone out of their misery, OK?
• For any Yankee hat purchased in the last three months to set fire to the scalp of the person wearing it.  Losing to the Yankees in the ALCS was bad enough, I really don’t need to deal with hearing smack talk from all the assclowns who only just jumped on the Yankee bandwagon.
• Just give Brandon Wood the job.  There should be no talk about finding someone to “push” Wood for the third base job in Spring Training.  The dude earned a full-time gig over two years ago, don’t torture him by having him split time with Maicer Izturis or some veteran free agent scrub like Mark Loretta.
• A restraining order against Hideki Matsui ever playing the field.  How has Mike Scioscia not learned his lesson about this?  I don’t care if Matsui is a respected veteran, that doesn’t mean he deserves to play the field even though he is an absolute train wreck defensively.  Sosh tried to pull the same crap with Vladimir Guerrero and all it succeeded in doing was getting Vlad hurt.  The Halos are going to need Godzilla’s bat and subjecting his arthritic knees to more pounding than is necessary is just plain foolish.
• An Angels aluminum waste basket to keep next to my recliner.  This actually might be the most important item on my list because with all the games the Halos have against Seattle and Boston, I am going to need something to vomit in every time I see Figgins in a Mariner uniform and Lackey in a Red Sox jersey.  If Vlad signs with Texas, I might need two waste baskets.
• A World Series ring in 2010.  I ask for this every year, but it is particularly pressing this season.  With a strange mix of very old veterans and youngsters who are all going to be eligible for free agency in the near future, 2010 might be this team’s last great chance to win a championship before they really have to tear the roster apart and possibly even rebuild.  That and the Mayans say the world is going to end in 2012, so time is of the essence.  Those Mayans know their stuff.