Around the NFL: 07/29/11

Around the NFL is a weekly offseason feature on Foxboro Blog offering an irreverent (and sometimes humorous) look at some of the top news stories in the NFL. Read at your own risk!

• This week’s free agent frenzy was supposed to be a big week for the entire league, but the ESPN universe has revolved around the Patriots due to the big trades for Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ochocinco. As soon as the Ochocinco news broke, I’m pretty sure every member of the Boston media experienced simultaneous orgasm. Chad could probably land a lucrative local endorsement deal from Vaseline or Kleenex.
• I don’t know how much Ochocinco is going to have to pay Aaron Hernandez for the right to wear #85, but I’m pretty sure the second-year TE will have more than his fair share of leverage in the negotiations. Money isn’t good enough here. He should make Ochocinco commit to riding another bull on pay-per-view while wearing a Hernandez jersey, a speedo and pink boots. Half of the money goes to charity, the other half goes to Albert Haynesworth’s legal defense fund. Make it happen fellas!
• Upon hearing of his trade to New England, Albert Haynesworth reportedly did the one thing he always dreamed about doing since he first joined the Redskins — he ate Santana Moss. He would have consumed John Beck too, but he had trouble finding him because nobody knows what John Beck looks like.
• Rumors are still swirling that the Jets will sign CB Nnamdi Asomugha. I’m not sure how closely those folks are looking at the Jets’ cap situation. Unless he’s willing to sign a deal that pays him a ball of twine and two packs of Juicy Fruit, I can’t see him coming to New York.
• The biggest trade of the week (at least in terms of compensation) was a deal that sent Kevin Kolb to Arizona. The Eagles received an All-Pro CB and a second round pick for a guy with more career picks than TDs. I think it’s safe to say that unless Rodgers-Cromartie’s plane crashes on the way to Philly, the Eagles front office pulled a Roethlisberger on this deal.
• Speaking of Big Ben, the big lovable oaf got married this week. And to answer the next logical question of our degenerate readers, yes, she’s hot. On behalf of all of us here at Foxboro Blog, I would like to congratulate the new couple. We could all take a lesson from these two — it doesn’t matter how doofy you look, because if you have enough money and indiscriminately assault enough women, you may someday find that one special girl who is willing to consent to eventually take half of your stuff.
• Reggie Bush was traded to the Dolphins yesterday, becoming the second overrated high-profile pro athlete to take his talents to South Beach in the past year and a half. But at least his mom didn’t get plowed by Delonte West. So he still has that going for him.