Bellhorn vs. Graffanino vs. Lamprey

Hi! I’m Sam, aka the Boston Fan in Michigan. You may know me from such fine internet establishments as Blue Cats and Red Sox and Roar of the Tigers. I’m here today to provide an in-depth look at one of the most vital questions plaguing the Boston Red Sox today.
If you had to choose a second baseman from a pool consisting of Mark Bellhorn, Tony Graffanino, and a Dead Sea Lamprey, who should you choose?

Because I’m all about the Science, we’ll look at this point-by-point.
Age
Bellhorn will be 31 in August, Graffanino is 33. The dead sea lamprey has a sort of Age-Gate thing going on, because we can’t quite be sure how old he is. Any birth certificate he produces is almost certainly a falsified document, but educated estimates place him at about a year old.
Bellhorn isn’t terribly old for a second baseman, and he’s been relatively durable. Graffanino is older, and is used to logging less innings. The sea lamprey, though with the advantage of youth, is already in a state of decay, and as such has little future with the team.
EDGE: Bellhorn
Strikeouts
Bellhorn has 109 on the season, Graffanino has 31, the dead sea lamprey would have around 5. He’s a terrible contact hitter, can’t get anything going with the bat. A lack of opposable thumbs or, indeed, true skeletal structure might have come into play here. But the fact remains that his strikezone is prohibitively small, so he just doesn’t strike out that often.
Graffanino has many fewer at-bats than Bellhorn does, but he still strikes out a lot less.
EDGE: dead sea lamprey
OBP
Bellhorn’s is .328, Graffanino’s is 3.79, the dead sea lamprey’s would be around .468. Standing mere inches off the plate, he has an imposingly small strikezone that most pitchers can’t handle. He talks a lot of walks as a result, which is good, because he basically cannot hit the ball.
The difference between batting average and OBP for Bellhorn is .112, for Graffanino it’s .079, and for the dead sea lamprey, assuming a sad BA of around .179, the difference is .292. Bellhorn walks much more than he hits, but the dead sea lamprey clearly takes the biscuit here.
EDGE: dead sea lamprey
Power
Bellhorn is slugging .360, Graffanino is slugging .390, and the dead sea lamprey is slugging .100. Graffanino’s numbers are indicative of a smaller sample size than what Bellhorn has; I don’t actuallly think he’s got more power. Over his careeer Bellhorn has slugged .412 while Graffanino slugged .388. That sounds about right.
As for the dead sea lamprey, well, we’re assuming this is an American League dead sea lamprey, which means that at least once he gets to face Jose ‘Homerun Machine’ Lima, which is all that’s keeping his SLG percentage from being .000.
EDGE: Bellhorn, Graffanino in an ‘on’ year.
Speed
Bellhorn has a 43.3 stolen base percentage, Graffanino has a 45.5% one. That’s comparable. Neither guy is terrifically quick but neither is particularly lead-footed.
The dead sea lamprey is fantastic on the basepaths. He can slide easily in under tags, and opposing catchers are loathe to approach his leaking, rasping mouth when he slides into home.
EDGE: dead sea lamprey
Hotness
Tony G isn’t half bad, and he recently showed up for an in-clubhouse postgame interview on NESN in a sleeveless shirt, which caused much joy. He’s got an angled kind of jawline that is very nice, and he’s got the whole dark Italian look going.
The Bellhorn attraction I do not understand. He’s not fat, that’s about all I got. Beyond that his face is not pleasing, his hair is disgusting, and he has the emotive range of a piece of wet cardboard. He often looks like a homeless man who happened to wander onto the field and find himself in a Red Sox uniform. Not hot.
The dead sea lamprey is greenish, mottled, and glistening. He has 7 breathing holes in his body, a powerful caudal tail, and a powerful rasping mouth. Probably pretty hot if you’re into that kind of thing.
EDGE: Graffanino
Obviously, if Theo were truly dedicated to fielding the best team he possibly can, he would sign that dead sea lamprey immediately and stick him at second base. Despite his rotting smell, he would probably be instantly more affable than Mark Bellhorn.