Best and Worst of Bellator 90 in Pictures

Contributor: Christian Diaz

So before we start this column, let’s just establish that this was the best Bellator card ever..right? 7 finishes out of 9 total fights..the dethroning of King Mo..AND a half-man half-Barney entrance! Seriously, if you didn’t enjoy this card you’re either a Charles Grodin-level curmudgeon or Donnie Wahlberg shot you and you haven’t realized that you’re dead yet. Bluster aside, let’s get to the funny makings.

BEST – Welcome To The Bigs, Joe Rodriguez.

Joe Rodriguez had been training for months. Sure he came from a small camp and hadn’t even bothered setting up his Sherdog profile yet…but that’s something his manager would handle. Of course, he would need to win this fight in order to afford a manager, but who the hell is Lionel Lanham? Isn’t he the one who sold the Monorail to Springfield? Hell, his nickname might as well be sheep’s wool. That’s a good one, Joe thought to himself. He’d have to share it with Jimmy Smith during his post-fight interview. I wonder what the ring-girls do after the show? Bah, no time for that..I’ll figure it out after my fight.

Oh shit, the cage door is closing…this is it..remember your training..you’re the first fight of the night, your nick name is take it easy..just go out there and fight your fight..set your pace. Alright..here we go..and glove tap..and HOLY SHIT. WHY IS HE CHARGING AT ME?! WHAT IN THE EVERLASTING  BLUE HELL WAS THAT?!  HEKEEPSHITTINGME! HEKEEPSHITTINGME! HEKEEPSHITTING ME! SHIT..OK IM FALLING..GOTTA MAKE THIS LOOK INTENTIONAL..FUCK ASS, HE’S NOT STOPPING…SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP I’M BACK ON THE GROUND AGAIN..OK..GOTTA TRY SOMETHING..IM GONNA GRAB HIS ANKLES..PULL THEM OUT AND SIT RIGHT UP INTO MOUNT..READY..GO.

BEST – Dave Allred: MMA Fighter, Supporter of the Furries.

Sure, Allred may have lost his fight against Sean Powers, but he won over a very small and specific portion of America’s heart. Taking a page out of Jason “Mayhem” Miller’s playbook, Allred opted to win an metaphorical victory as opposed to the more often preferred tangible variety. I honestly will probably have forgotten who Sean Powers is by this time tomorrow, but I will at the very least remember who Dave Allred is until the end of the week. While that may not be worth the cost of a Barney head rental from Party City…but let’s be real for a second here…who just rents a head? Is that even possible? Homie probably rented the entire costume for a night’s worth of work. Either way, is an entire Barney suit rental cost justified in a  losing effort? Eh, I suppose so. Life is a series of moments, Allred seized his.

WORST – Hey Bellator, Your Stream Has a Scratch In It..Maybe Blow On It Or Something.

So Jordan Smith and Jesse Jaurez basically started off with both fighters killing each other but th n th Bella   stream star ed getting pretty chop Is it enjo    e to re  d like this?  N  ! So plea e, Bellator. . No o e want t  watch you  fi  ts li e fuc  in  Skrill  x is in yo  r prod  ti  n stu  io. F x you  s it.

BEST – ♪ Head Kicksss..Shoulders..Knees and Toes, Knees and Toesss ♫

Everything about this fight was a best. Saunders systematically brutalizing Amaya with liver kicks and Amaya adopting a strategy of retreat-retreat-retreat-HAYMAKER CHARGE-retreat-retreat. That is until Saunders kicked Amaya in the head so brutally that it sent Amaya back to kindergarten where life was so much simpler..where all he had to do was learn simple songs describing the human body and men weren’t being payed reasonable sums of money to harm him in worse ways than most mugging victims recount. Those were the salad days.

BEST – The Cubs Need Douglas Lima To Report To Spring Training Immediately.

I don’t think what Lima hit Baker with can even be classified as a punch. The motion and velocity with which Lima delivered his fist into Baker’s face is comparable to any of the following results: realizing that you have a scorpion in your hand, trying to display your value to a carny at a fair, or throwing the one ring into Mount Doom. The fact that Lima did this to another human being is pretty much grounds for establishing an addendum under hate crime law. This savagery just caused Mike Tyson to have an  existential crisis..smart money says that he’s now doing his best Caine impression and is wondering through random towns in Nevada.

BEST – Karma Still Alive and Well aka The King is Dead. Long Live the King.

Oh, sweet schadenfreude…you never cease to sustain me. Whether it is his perpetual blasting of critics and fans or his insistence on wearing a crown everywhere, King Hippo Mo is widely regarded as a grating individual. To make matters worse, Bellator pretty much declared him to be their newly, ahem, crowned light heavyweight champion. Only…there was one minor hitch…that hitch being a a spinning back fist that goes by the name of Emanuel (The King Slayer)(Suck it, Jaime Lannister) Newton.

Newton, blasted his opponent with a spinning back fist after Mo did his best interpretation of what could kinda sorta be considered a shoulder roll, something that he presumably attempted to learn from his trainer, Floyd Mayweather Sr. Regardless though, the outcome is all that matters..and what matters is that Mo gently fell into Newton’s arms like an old man into a warm bath.

Let this be a lesson to all self-anointed champions out there…the Schaubs, Baders, and Slices of the world…Karma is very real and a cruel mistress to boot, and she will find you.

-Diaz can be reached by looking into your bathroom mirror and saying his name three times.