Contributor: Chris Diaz
Last night’s fights were an interesting sort; with brief moments of pure ultra-violence but more instances of mind-numbing inaction..one could say that the card as a whole was difficult to watch. BUT, if you’re a fan of a heavyweight crotchal region assault, then boy are you in for a treat. Let’s get to it.
Best: There’s No Shame in Attacking an Criminal’s Opponent’s Beanbag.
Josh (Java) Appelt vs. Manny Lara was one of the worst fights on the card…not the worst overall, but damn close. On the flip side though, it was easily one of my favorites. In a vacuum, the fight was absolutely awful, with Appelt pummeling Lara on the ground for the first four minutes of each round until Lara would explode off the ground and throw everything he had. I considered this to be seriously wonderful though, Lara just absorbing blow after blow until he had enough special saved up to throw a 14 punch combination that would make most Capcom fans weep tears of joy.
It wasn’t until the third round though, that something truly spectacular happened. Lara had resumed his fetal position when a bell went off in his head and he decided that maybe this cranial trauma thing isn’t for him..one small problem though, he was too tired to get off from his hands and knees. So Lara went back to his survival instincts! If he was going to get out of this jam, he’d have to act quickly and decisively! So with one quick motion, Lara did what any 250lb cage fighter would do…he smacked Appelt in the pills. But that wasn’t enough! Lara needed to shock and awe this fellow! So, without any hesitation…he struck his opponent’s berries a second time..felling the giant. While this move ended up costing Lara a point, the fight itself was a lost cause already with Appelt thoroughly dominating the majority of it. It just goes to show though, if you can’t beat’m…you can still find ways to leave the cage in considerably less pain.
Worst: Big Jon McCarthy Has the Worst Timing.
To explain the fight quickly, Akop Stepanyan kicked Chris Saunders around the cage worse than umm…a soccer player in jail? Yeah, I guess that works..a soccer player in jail. So when Stepanyan fired his right heel into Saunders’s liver like a cannonball into a carny’s belly..the fight certainly appeared to be over. Saunders crumpled against the cage and Big Jon stepped in to intervene…only…not so much. It appeared that he engaged Saunders in conversation while Stepanyan impatiently waited on the periphery, unsure if he was supposed to legitimately Chong Li his opponent or not. After what appeared to be McCarthy deducing that Saunders did not have the money that he owed him, on account of his compression shorts being pocketless and all, he decided that it would be fair for Stepanyan to take another couple of shots at his now liverless opponent. Saunders really needs to look into PayPal.
Worst: Doug Marshall Came to Fight, Sultan Aliev Came to Grapple.
Instead of discussing this fight, I’m going to list the things that I would have rather watched instead:
An elephant giving birth, pole vaulting bloopers, strangers playing pool, VHS re-runs of The Rosie O’Donnell show, a movie starring Jennifer Lopez, a movie starring Rob Schneider, The View, a 3rd world colonoscopy, secret footage of past bad dates I’ve been on, Appalachian public access television, American Idol.
Worst: Just Being Good Enough to Not Merit More Scorn
I’m sorry this weeks Best and Worst couldn’t be longer, but that’s what happens when a Bellator card offers a decent amount of finishes in otherwise underwhelming fights. I wish I could hate more of it, I truly do..but there’s only so much juice that can be squeezed from the promotion. With that being said, I guarantee next week will be better…notorious scumbag Brett Rogers, Travis Wiuff and Eric Prindle are all scrapping..so there will definitely be fireworks there. Also, “I can’t believe he’s still alive” Marcus Davis will be fighting Waachim Spiritwolf…the man who single handled has proved that you don’t need an Indian burial ground to be cursed, instead you can be a living breathing Native American and still very much be cursed..so that should be amazing as well. Until then, be excellent to each other.
-Chris can be reached by spirograph.
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