Bill Simmons – “Legitimately” Effeminate

Bill Simmons is at times very funny and seemingly an all right guy, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes you just want to tell him to shove it. So, thank you Jon Picou. You said what we were all feeling in our hearts. This is from Simmons’ latest mailbag on ESPN.com’s Page 2.

Q: So in other words, you were handed your lunch by your wife making football picks, proceeded to rave about Miami for six days, ignored the Colts because you’re such a pathetic homer, met Tom Brady, which led to damp stains underneath, then got your ass kicked in a go-kart race by another woman and a cheesy Hollywood schmuck. You just earned pole position as the star of the next Vagina Monologues.–Jon Picou, Paradise

SG: I’ve been waiting to run that e-mail for two months. One of the better mean-spirited slams I’ve ever received.

Here’s another hilarious comment from Jason in Richmond:

Q: Why do I get the feeling that in about five years there will be a Buster Olney-esque book about the “Last Night of the Patriots Dynasty” written by Michael Smith. –Jason, Richmond, Va.

SG: See, this is what happens when I wait three months to write a mailbag. In January, this was a valid question. Then the AFC runners-up landed Adalius Thomas, Wes Welker, Donte Stallworth and Kyle Brady, franchised Asante Samuel and managed to keep the Nos. 24 and 28 picks in next month’s draft without losing a single valuable player from last year’s team other than Daniel Graham, who couldn’t catch a ball in traffic to save his life. I mean, their biggest crisis of the offseason was the star quarterback’s ex-girlfriend pulling the goalie on him. (The lesson, as always: Don’t date an actress.) Meanwhile, San Diego ushered in the Norv Turner Era, Miami lost Nick Saban, Pittsburgh lost Bill Cowher, the Bengals refused to clean house, Indy lost a number of key players and nobody else in the conference improved except Denver. I am EXCEEDINGLY optimistic about the 2007 season. So there.

So there you have it folks, Bill Simmons is a fan clearly in denial. And yes, should he choose to write it, I will be the first in line to buy that book by Michael Smith. The many parallels between the Yankees/Red Sox and Patriots/Colts are creeping me out. Here’s the rest of his mailbag:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070323