Birthday Wishes

[NOTE BY EVAN] We’ll be bringing a new feature to Fire Brand. Every Sunday will be a guest column. The first Sundays of the month will be led off by Chris C, the second will be Sam, and the third Sean O. The fourth is still up in air, if you’d like to become a Sunday contributor, just e-mail me!
Well hello again everyone, Evan has asked for some more guest columns to appear on Sundays and I get to lead off. I do hope you are enjoying the holiday weekend, but those of you inside watching baseball are the true heroes in my book. Tuesday is a special day….it is my Birthday! And I want parades and fireworks and bands in clamshells, backyard BBQ’s, and screaming babies. I also want some presents, or at least to know that a few marvelous things will come to pass down the road. So here is my Top Ten Birthday present wish list. (Oh, and also….everyone gets the day off!)
In random order…
10. At some point in the next few weeks, after years of soul-searching, Randy Johnson, still horrified by the memory of the bird that was killed by one of his pitches a couple of years ago will remove his cap while on the mound. And with a 2-1 count on the batter, a runner at first and one out, will then also remove his jersey, drop it to the ground and retire. Walking off the field and into the crowd and out of the stadium and from there to become a volunteer for Greenpeace.
9. For Lester to finish second in both ROY and Cy Young voting with a 17-1 record and a 2.36 ERA.
8. For Papelbon to win the above mentioned awards, and the MVP, with 45 saves and a 0.63 ERA.
7. To come up with the idea of naming a candy bar the Papel-Papel Bon-Bon and selling many tens of thousands of them all over RSN. (Ok, I just did come up with the idea, so if anyone tries to do it they owe me big time…)
6. For Varitek to hit a Grand Slam in the All Star game, and in the World Series, to go along with his WBC and regular season slams to be a trivia contest legend forever.
5. For Steinbrenner to finally admit, after all these years, that his REAL birthday is July 6, but he lied about it for attention. A perfect day need never be besmirched again….
4. For the Dead to play Sugar Magnolia on Thursday night. (Ok, maybe that’s not baseball related, but I am in the 14th row and it will be awesome!)
3. For David Wells to make a triumphant return, 25 pounds lighter, and with a shiny new bionic knee that allows him to win 11 out of 12 starts down the stretch while besting Johnny VanDerMeers’ record and hurling 3 straight no-hitters. (Although I’d settle for a dozen quality starts and a simple winning record).
2. For Giambi and Sheffield to be exposed (Bonds too!) as steroid cheaters, with enough proof that each is suspended without pay for at least a full season.
1. A dinner date with the Magical Ice Cream Girl.
Ok, that’s all for now; I had to work all day and it’s time to watch baseball. Maybe even have a beer.
Have fun everyone!