A table has been set up in the basement of Schultz’s parent’s house. An Islanders jersey is draped over it. Sitting at the table to the left of an empty chair are Barry Melrose, JR and Paul Stastny. Mark Messier is on the right. For some inexplicable reason, Peter Pocklington is here and hovering in the back. From a couch in the back, Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury are preparing to do play-by-play. The interwebs best NHL bloggers are in the audience, waiting for the press conference to start.
Peter Pocklington: Is it with mixed emotions and utter confusion as to the reason that I am here today. To be frank, Schultz paid me fifty bucks to be here and I really need the money. I think there’s some kind of allegory to all this, but I don’t care. This basement is filled with basement dwellers who don’t shower. I’ve been told to introduce Kevin Schultz, and here he is now.
*Schultz walks in and hands PP a Ulysses Grant**
Schultz: Thank you all for coming today. I think you all know why we are here. It’s an intervention for Matt Barnaby’s Twitter account. Matt, you need to stop tweeting like a 12-year old Justin Bieber fan. From now on, one exclamation point per tweet max. No more smiley faces dammit and for once in your life, learn what the hell sarcasm is.
Now, let’s get on with the show.
I would first like to thank everyone for being here. On my left, thank you Paul Stastny for…
PAUL STASTNY: SHUT UP INSOLENT HUMAN. MY PRESENCE IS ONLY COINCIDENTAL.
Schultz: …I was going to say not being a prick about the whole thing, but oh well. JR is here as well. Thank you, JR, for all the material you’ve ever given me. Thank you for crying after the Hawks did what you couldn’t. And most of all, thank you for that picture where you’re flipping the bird. I’m never going to stop laughing at it.
JR: You know it bro!
Schultz: And also, I’m humbled to have him here, Mr. Barry Melrose. If it wasn’t for you, I would have never purchased a lifetime supply of hair gel or had a really random name for my blog. On my left is Mark Messier, who will be crying for me today. I’m not good with emotions, so I’ve outsourced them. Thank you Mark, and fuck the Rangers.
Mark Messier sobs uncontrollably
Finally, last but certainly not least, I would like to thank Enforcer and Loser Domi for being here today. Thank you for your drinking games, your chat rooms, your fake interviews and all of your hard blogging work. You have carried the blog wonderfully and I sincerely thank you for that. I also thank you for cheering for awful hockey teams because, as an Islander fan, misery loves company.
Today, it with heavy heart that I formally announce my retirement from Barry Melrose Rocks. As you have seen over the last few months, I have had multiple stints on the IR due to Blog Abandonitis and chronic Life Getting in the Way of Shit. There are a lot of contributing factors but, as with most things in life, it is simply time to move on. I started this blog almost five years ago to the day, which in Internet time is like 50 years, and in those five decades it has been by far the most enjoyable creative outlet in my life. I have made many friends in the blogging community both inside and outside of BMR and the NHL blog community is by far one of the best places to hangout on the interwebs. Or at least a notch above the To Catch a Predator chat rooms. It’s taken me to the All-Star Game and an interview with John Buccigross. And heck, we can always say that we bagged Carrie Milbank — but not in that way (woo Dave!).
When I started this blog, I was in the middle of college and, holy crap, I miss all the free time. When I graduated, I had an internship that allowed me to blog all day to the point where I was writing on three blogs. Unfortunately, someone actually thought it would be a bright idea to give me a serious job where I… had to… work. I was able to balance things for a while, but life kinda sucks when you’re working 40-50 hours every week, every year. To that point, I haven’t been able to keep up with the NHL as much or my blogging endeavours. After FanHouse shit the bed, I thought I would have more time, but it coincidenced with the busy season as Real Job, inc and gave me the kick in the pants I needed to try and take the next step, whatever the heck that is. I’d been treading water over there for a while, not upset enough to quit but lost focus of how to move on and keep challenging with the aforementioned creative juices. And when you’re just mindlessly churning out posts just to do it, well, you’re no better than that hack in the paper you make jokes about all the time.
All in all, this has been a hell of a lot of fun, I’ve met some awesome people and done some cool things. Heck, I made my english teacher of a father proud so he can say he raised a paid writer, so that’s something. I’ll still be around when I have a character that needs to type in ALL CAPS or has to rant about something. If you’d like to shoot the breeze, I’ll still be @schultz88 on Twitter or melroserocks on Gmail. And yes, the Twitter is like 95% hockey talk.
Now the blog is in much better hands, Enforcer’s. So without any further tears from Mark Messier — seriously dude, I’m not paying you by the gallon — I’d like to officially turn over the keys to the blog and the ’68 Vette to Ryan.
Enforcer:: Thank you, Kevin, for your dedication to this blog, for allowing me to join the team and now to take over the site. You’ve been an inspiration for me to actually start watching hockey so I can get some of your jokes. CanadiEns is a hockey team! Here I thought you didn’t have spellcheck! (Note, Barry Melrose Rocks does not endorse the use of spell check)
There will be some modest changes around the site, of course, but that’s just because Kevin and I are different people. Namely, he is from New York and I am from Minnesota. Expect more Western Conference jokes, (i.e. the Sedins) and fewer Messier references. Seriously, Mark? Kevin left to pick up some new pants at Kohl’s like 15 minutes ago. Stop crying.
I’m going to have to let Loser Domi go…on as a vakued and popular contributor. If there is anyone that will continue to make jokes about Sidney Crosby, it will have to be her. There is nothing funny about the Pittsburgh Penguins, in my eyes.
I can promise only a slight downturn in the quality of the posts on this site. I tend to write shorter than Kevin does (or did… tear) and use a lot of parenthesees. This helps in two ways. It cuts down on the chance for me to screw something up, and the parenthesees help me explain jokes that would otherwise fall flat. If you are laughing at how desperate parenthetical explanations may seem, at least you are still laughing.
I can promise little to no editorial oversight, just like alawys. I can promise I will try to be funny and maybe a little informative at times. I will promise more pictures of Loser Domi modeling shirts (I can’t actually promise that) but I can’t promise I will get to drive that ’68 Vette. Schultz left it in the East River.
Thank you for your time and attendence at this press conference. We will not be taking questions at this moment. Have a wonderful day.
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