Tales From the “Dead Period”

The holidays can be scary.  Anytime families come together, the information that flows forth can bring terror: “Did Dad tell you about Grandma’s new colostomy bag?”, “Oh good, Uncle Harvey brought pictures of his trip to Hedonism!”, “Your cousin Stacey finally got her first acting job – it’s a film called ‘Bukakke Nights’.”  You get the idea.  As Notre Dame fans, this time of year has become particularly upsetting.  For one thing, the Irish have opted to not play in a bowl; leaving ND fans staring into the gaping maw of jealousy as fans of other programs get four more quarters with their teams.  For another, we have now entered the “dead period” in recruiting.  Meaning that, from December 21st to January 1st, coaches can’t contact recruits and, consequently, we bloggy types have a lot less material to get you readery folks all worked up about. 

Happily, though, all is not lost.  The world of college football generally, and Notre Dame specifically, do have some storylines worth following.  The following are, in no particular order, the stories that have helped breath a little life into the “dead period”:

• Urban Meyer is Still a Dick: Remember how, a few years back, Meyer declared being head coach at Notre Dame to be his “dream job?”  Remember how, in spite of having two opportunities to make that dream a reality, Urban couldn’t quite bring himself to do it?  You know why?  He’s a lying dick.  Now, Florida fans are getting a first-hand look at Meyer’s mendacity as, on December 26th, he declared he was stepping down as the Gators’ head coach.  Christmas being a time of miracles, Florida fans woke up the next day to find a big box of “I was just fucking with you” wrapped up under the tree.  The label read “From Santa”, but the handwriting clearly belonged to Meyer.  So, why the change of heart?  Well, in addition to the aforementioned dickishness, Meyer is a complete prima donna and the fact that, for the first time in three seasons, he was not “The Story” heading into the BCS Championship had to be tearing at him.  My guess is that his pathological need for attention met his inveterate lying and, after an exchange of pleasantries, they opted to embark on a new venture together.  With that in mind, I offer the following warning to Urban Meyer: Fate is a ravenous animal who should not be poked, prodded or otherwise tempted.  Your utter lack of ethics and willingness to say or do anything to advance yourself will, at some point, bear a most unpleasant fruit.  I look forward to your coming karmic defenestration.
• The Iran-Iraq Bowl: While watching Boston College and USC in this year’s Emerald Bowl, I kept thinking of Henry Kissinger’s famous line concerning the Iran-Iraq War: “It’s a pity they can’t both lose.”  It was a miserable game for Irish fans to have to endure.  Asked by Mrs. Hibernian what I was rooting for, I commented, “an earthquake.”  Sadly, as I discovered, tectonic plates don’t shift based on wishing or, even, animal sacrifice during an “earthquake ritual” (side note: goats are fighters).   As a result, the Trojans ended up winning the game while the Hibernians enjoyed a lovely cabrito guisado.
• Mike Leach Might Also Be a Dick: As if the Urban Meyer fiasco weren’t already proof-positive that the ranks of college football coaches are filled with men tormented by their own personal Captain Howdy-styled demons, Mike Leach threw his hat into the ring of crazy.  Leach was suspended indefinitely by Texas Tech after allegedly having a player locked in an electrical closet for three hours.  Adding an additional layer of “are you fucking kidding me?” to the story is the fact that the player in question, Adam James, is the son of ESPN analyst, Craig James.  As everyone knows, it’s always a good idea to compound the problem of sadism by making its object the child of a well-known television personality.  This is not going to end well for Leach but, like so many other things in his stratosphere, it will be entertaining to watch. 
• Stuff Also Happened at Notre Dame: Since this is, after all, a Notre Dame football blog, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a few items directly relating to the Irish program.  To begin, as my esteemed blog overlord, Subway, mentioned a few days ago, Manti Te’o will return to ND next season, rather than heading out on his Mormon mission.  Beyond that, it appears Brian Kelly’s staff is beginning to take shape.  It now appears that Division II uber-coach, Chuck Martin, will be signing on to coach the defensive backs and Paul Longo (aka, “Fear’s Scarier Friend”) will be the new strength and conditioning coach.  Needless to say, all of these developments are incredibly positive and have ND trending in a good direction as they head into the thornier portion of the recruiting season.