After eight years of extensive tests and peer reviewed articles, researchers from Madison, Wisconsin have finally announced today the results of their multi-year study on Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers. Having spent years and years double checking answers and sloughing through presentations at conferences to be riddles with questions and concerns on the scientific methodology, the scientists are confident enough at this time to report their findings to the world …
Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, sucks.
"We've participated in the most thorough, peer reviewed study on the nature of a human being ever conducted," said on scientist who was taking notes on a clipboard, providing further evidence that his results are pretty convincing. "And our results are conclusive. Indisputable, in fact. Aaron Rodgers just sucks."
Their research has shown that in most cases lab technicians have had to qualify what "sucks" actually means. Like any research project, the evidence presented is laden with heavy, technical language that may be difficult for laymen to understand. That is why their research has defined the term "suck" as being "an adjective used to describe an individual who is just a huge, whiny bitch in pretty much all phases of life. Really, someone who is just kind of a sandy cunt."
It was always suspected that Aaron Rodgers fit this description, but without scientific research to back up this claim, no one could be certain. That should no longer be a problem from this day forward, claimed one scientist.
"Oh, it's pretty clear now" said a PhD with ample evidence he was more than willing to share. "He's got eight years of NFL experience to make this pretty clear, but check out this total bitch move from the recent Packers and Vikings game. This essentially summed up our findings …"
"Right?! Could you suck anymore?! My god, Rodgers, in my professional opinion, just shut the fuck up."
The research is scheduled to be released to the public in the coming weeks, after the Packers are eliminated early from the playoffs and Aaron Rodgers takes some more time to bitch about shit like a huge, sucky person.
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