BREAKING: Shattering the malaise of the Milwaukee Brewers’ offseason slumber is the news that Willy Wonka, the right-handed pitcher formerly of the Fudge Room Chocolatiers organization of the Roald Dahl League (Wales), has signed a major league contract. Wonka, 27, has pitched nearly 1,100 innings as a starter in the aforementioned league, which plays under rules and regulations very similar to America’s MLB. Wonka has sported a 3.54 ERA and 1.08 WHIP in six seasons in the RDL, and scouts expect those numbers to translate well in Milwaukee, despite Miller Park’s reputation as favoring hitters.
Known as an eccentric and creative pitcher and a meticulous prankster, Wonka received fond recommendations from friends and coaches in the Welsh press as he was in the process of securing work on a mound in the United States. “We were dismayed that he was going over to the States, but we wish him well and he’ll be dreadfully missed at Fudge Room,” said Augustus Gloop, Wonka’s teammate of the last three years.
A nearly global craze of anticipation had erupted since Wonka announced his intention to play in the U.S., and rumors swirled he had narrowed his choices to five “golden” ball clubs with which Wonka privately had identified a kindred spirit. Those organizations had remained secret since Wonka was declared a free agent by MLB last month, following his final year under contract with the Chocolatiers. It was a great surprise even to Brewers GM Doug Melvin that Wonka would be most interested in pursuing his MLB fortunes with the Milwaukee club out of all the storied franchises reportedly interested in his services.
“He’s a great pitcher, and while my feeling was that we were totally and absolutely fine with the players we already have, it’s not often that these chances come around and Mark was on board with the idea from the get-go,” said Melvin Thursday evening after the announcement was made. “We were flattered that a starter of Wonka’s stature would want so enthusiastically to be in Milwaukee, and I’ve said before we want players that want to play in Milwaukee, and that.”
Mike Teevee, an American-born pitcher in the Cleveland organization with whom Wonka played for the Welsh team in the World Baseball Classic in 2009, said Wonka brings a lot to the mound. “He’s a very inventive pitcher, and he likes to put a lot on the ball, if you know what I mean. He can also be ruthless when he wants to; he never gives in out there and he’s not at all scared to come inside on hitters.” Wonka hit 98 on the radar gun in an invitation-only session for interested clubs held on November 19 in Phoenix.
Wonka, who is unmarried and has no children, leads something of a nomadic existence, according to the pitcher himself. “So much time and so little to do,” said Wonka when asked about the perception of a party-hearty lifestyle with few fixed roots. “Wait a minute,” he added, “Strike that. Reverse it.”
When asked what about Milwaukee or the Brewers had charmed him, Wonka was frank. “Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous!”
Wonka said he’s very charged up to report to Brewers spring training in Maryvale and get started with his new teammates. As to how his stuff will compare to what MLB hitters are used to seeing, Wonka replied mysteriously: “Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about,” he said.
He has traveled around the world playing baseball for much of his life and has vacationed in the United States on several occasions but admits this new adventure will be a challenge of adversity as well as reward. “The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last,” Wonka said.
Wonka’s deal with the Brewers is for three years and $35 million, which will set him up for another, bigger contract should his first foray in MLB go well. Reportedly the pitcher also has a refined taste for beer, which won’t be difficult to accommodate in Milwaukee. Still, Brewers fans may soon ask themselves, “Who ever heard of a snozzberry?”
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