I haven’t been to a lot of games this season due to being pretty much constantly sick or in the hospital or at work. Two of the games I’ve been to were against the Flames and the Panthers, and I couldn’t help but notice the amount of former Bruins on each team, which gave me an idea.
For the purpose of this post, let’s pretend Boston is getting a second franchise but it has to be made up of only former Bruins.
Now, before we begin, I know some of you are sensitive. For this post, I’m not criticizing Bruins management. I’m not commenting on players the Bruins should or should not have kept. All I’m saying is the players in this post at one time played for the Bruins, or for one case in particular their contract was at least temporarily owned by the Bruins. So in advance, quit your complaining.
(Side note: if you’re one of these people who are glad Seguin, Kessel or Hamilton is gone, you can just fuck right off)
My rules:
Obviously, not current Bruins. Thought I might have to restate that again because someone will no doubt be like “OH, SO YOU THINK ALL THESE PLAYERS ARE BETTER THAN BERGERON!?!?!” No, I don’t. Bergeron is perfect and magical and I want him to defy science and get me pregnant, but he’s a current Bruin so he doesn’t count.
(Side Note: Do you feel like Bergeron would be better at “making love” but Marchand would be better at fucking? Me too. Like, Bergeron would take you out to a nice romantic dinner then take you back to his stylish downtown apartment and make sweet, tender love to you on a bed covered in rose petals. But Marchand would down a six pack of Red Bull and just plow you until you couldn’t walk anymore. I dunno, folks. That’s just the impression I get. Both options sound nice.)
Player had to only be acquired by Bruins at some point. He didn’t have to play a game for them. His contract just had to be at least owned by the Bruins. Whether it was ten minutes or ten years.
Player has to be active on an NHL roster. Sorry Nathan Horton and Marc Savard. You were great Bruins, sucks that your careers are over, but for the purpose of this exercise you do not apply.
Remember that time Horton ended the hopes and dreams of Tampa fans?
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTBsy6cxTyU]For positions, I used what NHL.com listed them as. I know some players switch around like swingers. Just went simple. So shut up.
No salary cap. I was too lazy to look all that up. Plus Horizon Zero Dawn wasn’t going to beat itself (great, great game that you should play)
I look forward to you telling me I’m dumb because I missed someone. I’m sure I missed a few people. Oh well.
Let’s begin!
Goalies
Who we considered: Chad Johnson, Jonas Gustavsson, Martin Jones, Michael Hutchinson, Robert Luongo
Roberto Luongo almost made the goalies list. I know he never actually played for the Bruins, but with all the goals he’s let up against them, he might as well have. But rules are rules, so you didn’t make the team Roberto. Sorry. You still remain the King of Twitter.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxS3O0wf-eo]With how bad the Jets are defensively, it is hard to tell if Hutchinson is good or not. Great goalies rise to the occasion and he obviously hasn’t done that. Could be a capable backup on a good team.
Jonas Gustavsson….no. Pass. Next.
Martin Jones is great. No question. He’s in. He’s the starter of this team.
For the backup, we went with Hello, My Name is Chad Johnson. He’s been solid for a not so great Flames team and was lights out for a long stretch there. Good job bud.
Centers
Who we considered: Carl Soderberg, Chris Kelly, Joe Thornton, Tyler Seguin, Joe Colborne
The first three were easy. You go with Seguin, Thornton and Soderberg.
Soderberg hasn’t been that great with Colorado, but he’s a better option than Colborne. And really, who has been great in Colorado? This is a team that recently decided to turn around and pass the puck on a breakaway.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi_eGSHViNM]
If you ate a bunch of chili and a pound of bacon and just RUINED a toilet, Colorado would still be shittier than that toilet. Dumpster fires are upset that Colorado is stealing their thunder.
Kelly vs Colborne wasn’t all that hard. We gave Chris Kelly a lot of shit when he was a Bruin, mostly for being overpaid for what he provided. But if you’re building a team here, Kelly gets the nod over Colborne easy. Someone’s gotta kill those penalties.
Remember how pissed people were when Colborne was included in the package that was sent to Toronto for Kaberle? He had one good season in Calgary but other than that has it would be nice if we even called him average. Kelly has a Cup, Colborne carries the team cups. There ya go.
Left Wings
Who we considered: Shawn Thornton, Milan Lucic, Loui Eriksson, Benoit Pouliot
Alright, so there weren’t a lot of great choices.
Obviously we’re psyched about Shawn Thornton. He’s going right on the first line. That’s the only logical place for the Third Greatest NHL Player of all time to go. Welcome back to Boston, Mr. Thornton!
Loui got a bad rap in Boston, and is kind of bombing in Vancouver but he was great when he was here. He just was. It seemed like people mostly hated him because he was involved in the Seguin trade. That isn’t Loui’s fault. That’s Bruins management and their complete inability to properly evaluate talent. Whatever.
I feel fucking disgusting talking about having Lucic on a Boston team again. He’s AWFUL. If you want him back as a Bruin, you’re also awful. You’re probably one of those dumb idiots who runs around yelling WIN OR LOSE WE STILL BOOZE, BRAH! Yeah. Drink bleach. Ugh, Lucic is gross. The guy can’t even put up decent points playing with Connor McDavid. Steve Carrell’s character in the 40 Year Old Virgin scores more than Lucic.
Remember that one awesome goal Pouliot scored? The guy has speed. His hands just don’t match. He’s like Paille, but with better hands. I mean, that’s not saying much but the guy is serviceable.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xmzb9PlPD-Q?list=PLa4bfdtUhyZ4vTrrH1gMEP7xmKw5PSH6x]Right Wings
Who we considered: Phil Kessel, Blake Wheeler, Brett Connolly, Jarome Iginla, Jaromir Jagr, Lee Stempniak, Reilly Smith
Like centers, the first three are easier than beating the Colorado Avalanche.
You go with Phil “The Thrill” Kessel. One Nut, One Cup. Great smile. We know most of you still irrationally hate the guy because he’s “soft” and not a “Bruins type player” but he’s great. His hands are so good, the Bunny Ranch is Nevada just signed him as COO of Hand Jobs when he retires. I heard the deal is very lucrative. I’ll be on the first plane out to Vegas when Phil starts working there.
Blake “Mr. Offsides” Wheeler. If you’re forgotten about Wheeler, go check out the stellar career he’s had in Atlantipeg. I mean, he wasn’t terrible in Boston. You knew the type of player he would grow to be. He’s got some fire in him too.
The Ageless Wonder Jaromir Jagr. What a player. What a head of hair. I honestly hope he plays for every current NHL team before he retires. I’m not even joking. If it gets to a point where they have to prop him up Weekend at Bernie’s style, then do it.
After that, we’re left with Connolly, Iginla, Stempniak, and Smith.
Connolly and Stempniak are out. Because I said so.
If this was before age ravaged Iginla like me and Greg ravaged Primanti’s on our Pittsburgh trip, he would’ve been an easy choice. Playing in Colorado and now a not so great Kings team isn’t ideal but he’s still lost about 20 steps. I hate, hate, HATE that this man hasn’t won a Cup yet.
Reilly Smith. He’s got youth on this side. He’s not great, he’s not awful. He’s just kind of there. He’s kind of like a cock ring… you don’t mind that he’s there, but you’re not actually sure if he’s making anything better. And sometimes he falls off and you have to fish him out of your girlfriend.
Fuck it, we’re going Iginla. We have to. WE HAVE TO. Iggy 4 Life. And I know some of you are sitting there saying WAH WAH WAH REMEMBER THAT TIME HE CHOSE PITTSBURGH OVER BOSTON?!!? And to that I say:
Defense
Who we considered: Dennis Seidenberg, Dennis Wideman, Dougie Hamilton, Johnny Boychuk, Mark Stuart, Matt Hunwick, Matt Irwin
This was by far the hardest group once you get past the first two.
Dougie Hamilton and Johnny Boychuk are 100% on this team. This isn’t even up for debate. They’re in, if you don’t like it you’re dumb.
Dougie Hamilton with Boston: 178 Games, 22 Goals, 83 Points
Dougie Hamilton with Flames: 142 Games, 22 Goals, 82 Points
See what happens when you are patient with young players and use them properly? Right, sorry, said I wasn’t going to tease Bruins management. Moving on.
Yeah, yeah. “Dougie didn’t want to be here, so fuck him!” I hear you. But maybe if he was used properly he would’ve wanted to stay.
Right, sorry. Said I wasn’t going to do this. Moving on. MOVING ON.
If you need an explanation for why we want Destroychuk, stop reading this and go stick your head in an alligator’s mouth. Rub your head in chicken blood first, just to be safe.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ko22eyGUkbU]
After this we might as well just throw darts at a dart board. Matt Irwin played two games for the Bruins and I don’t really pay attention to him otherwise. Maybe if I did more research I’d pick him. But I didn’t.
So for one pairing we’re going with Dennis and Dennis. Seidenberg was AWFUL at the end of his time with the Bruins, but hasn’t been quite as ugly with the Islanders. Maybe he just missed Boychuk. I know my heart aches when I think of Johnny too.
Wideman would be a good addition. I know you might disagree, but have you seen how uppity NHL refs are getting these days? We need someone who’s not afraid to take them out and then pretend he didn’t know what he was doing.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj4PoDrqv-E]When Mark Stuart was a Bruin, he was a master of the body check. Solid defensive defenseman too. He’s been a healthy scratch at times in Winnipeg, but whatever. We’re just going to triple shift the Hamilton-Boychuk pairing anyway. Work on that cardio boys.
Oh Matt Hunwick. Bruins fans used to have such a hard on for you. Now you’re best known for putting the nail in the coffin of Marc Savard’s career. We know the hit wasn’t dirty bud, but people still blame you. Looks like you’re having fun up in Toronto this season though.
So that leaves us with this team:
Shawn Thornton – Tyler Seguin – Phil Kessel
Loui Eriksson – Joe Thornton – Blake Wheeler
Benoit Pouliot – Carl Soderberg – Jaromir Jagr
Milan Lucic – Chris Kelly – Reilly Smith
Douglas Hamilton, Esq – Johnny Destroychuk
Dennis Seidenberg – Dennis Wideman
Mark Stuart – Matt Hunwick
Martin Jones has his work cut out for him, but we’re confident this team could at least be competitive. I mean, look at that offense! The power play would have Kessel, Seguin, Wheeler, Jagr and Shawn Thornton! It’ll be raining goals up in here. For those of you that hate our Shawn Thornton love:
And yes, we had to put Lucic on the fourth line. Because we hate his face.
So who’d we miss? What would you do better? Why does your dad cheat on your mom?
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