Walking out of a Hennepin County court office after a hearing concerning his violation of driving while under the influence back in August, Minnesota Vikings cornerback is simmering mad at himself. He walks down the courts stairs and begins heading to his car …
Cedric Griffin: God dammit, Ced! What were you thinkin’?! Man, this is some bullshit! I am just so furious at myself. I had to pay out my ass in fines, I got put on probation for two fuckin’ years and I got to do two days of community service! How am I supposed to game plan against the Rams now? Damn, man! And if this starts makin’ its rounds, I may even get suspended by the league! Stupid! Stupid! What am I supposed to do?
A shadowy figure appears from behind a nearby car and approaches Griffin in the Minneapolis morning light.
Anonymous Man: Excuse me son, I couldn’t help but overhear your inner monologue inadvertently being spoken aloud. I think I may be of some help.
CG: Back the fuck up, you booze drenched hobo! Who do you think you are?!
Griffin pauses as he says this and peers closer at the looming individual only to see …
Vikings great Carl Eller!
Carl Eller: Cedric, I think I am a man that may have made some mistakes in my own life, but still wishes to help someone when I see them struggling. And you, you young rap scallion, seem like you could use a friendly shoulder. Care to open up to old Papa Bear Eller?
CG: Ah Jesus Carl, you scared the drunk outta me, man! You can’t do that to me when my nerves be so high. But shit, man! What am I supposed to do? I tried to do the right thing by pullin’ over when I knew I was too drunk to drive but that fuckin’ cop still gave me a DUI! What a bitch, man! Now I have to pay the consequences because I was only tryin’ to do the right thing! Shit!
CE: Easy big fella, easy. Take it from me; it’s not as bad as it looks when you get a DUI. Sure, you can feel down on yourself and personally, you took a route that was too noble while you were drinking, but you have to learn to live in the moment! Look at me, when I drink I drive, I do it right! You have to grip that wheel by its balls and let it know that you will be driving it into the nearest innocent bystander or a comfortable looking ditch as soon as possible! Your car will appreciate that thrill ride!
CG: Uh … but isn’t that dangerous, man? I mean, I’ve already been arrested once for driving drunk. I can’t do it again, can I?
CE: Ha! You young kids are absolutely priceless! Can you do it again? Son, you are football royalty when you play for the Minnesota Viking! You can do whatever you want; drink and drive, assault a police officer, penetrate a girl in a stairwell. It doesn’t matter! You call the shots now. You make the rules. And let’s be honest; can you do it again? The more appropriate question is how can you not do it again? Have you had a drink since that fateful evening?
CG: Well … yeah, I have. I mean, I didn’t drive though, man.
CE: No, no, of course you didn’t drive. But let me ask you this. How good was it to wet your lips with that delicious alcohol again after your DUI mishap?
CG: Well … I mean, it tasted pretty good, man.
CE: Really, Cedric? Come on, son, it’s Carl Eller! You can be honest with me here! How good was it, really?
CG: Ha, well … yeah, you’re right, it was real good. Like the best drink I’ve ever had knowing that it’s kind of forbidden. It was real good, man!
CE: Ahhhhhhh! That’s the spirit! It only gets better! Soon you’ll be back driving while intoxicated and then going faster and faster and it’ll get better and better! Take it from me, kid. This is just the beginning of a beautiful relationship with you and the County Sheriff! He loves seeing me now, and it’ll be the same with you soon too.
CG: Wow, man! This is great! Do you think I should apologize to the fans and the community about too? I mean, man, I do feel pretty bad about it, even though what you’ve laid out here sounds pretty enticin’.
CE: Oh sure, sure. Tell them you’re sorry. Tell them you’ll never do it again, that you weren’t think clearly, that you feel much remorse about the entire issue. But deep down, or hell, son, maybe just right on the surface, if you feel excited about the opportunity again, embrace that. It’s what makes us Vikings legends!
CG: Wow! I feel so much better about this! And I already think I have an idea for my community service too!
CE: Oh yeah? And what would that be, young man?
CG: I think I’ll hook up with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program and teach them about the joys of what you’ve taught me, so that I can continue on this great Vikings tradition!
CE: That’s the spirit! Now go get ‘em! Oh, and if you need it … here’s a flask!
CG: Ahhhhhhh! You crazy old man, you crazy! Peace!
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