The Minnesota Vikings are preparing to face the Denver Broncos this weekend in Minneapolis. It’s the battle of Purple Jesus and Tebow Jesus! One circus uniform versus the next! Underachievers versus overachievers! I’ll let you guess which one is which on that last one! To prepare for the game, Purple Jesus Diaries took ALL WEEK to contact several celebrities and see what their thoughts were on this game. Who would have thought that a Minnesota and Denver game would draw such attention, am I right?! Well here we are. Welcome to celebrity picks for the Vikings and Broncos game …
God, the Holy Father:
“Oh me, oh me, whatever team shall I choose to win this heavenly battle of wills? On one hand, we have my own flesh and blood re-imaged in purple on one team. His accolades, achievements, and good will toward man are known to all! He truly is seated at my right hand when he so chooses to join me in the celestial palace. Until that time, he continues to perform miracles every day, whether it is setting untouchable rushing records, smiling brighter than my halo, or saving his money like a responsible adult should. How can one choose against this personification of holiness? It only becomes universally difficult when his epic combatant is that ball licker, Tim Tebow. I mean, do I appreciate that he helps spread the good word of forgiveness and Heaven? Of course, of course … But … Man, could he just tone it down a bit? I’m not going to let him perform intimate sexual acts with his lord and savior when he gets to my palace. Does he know that? I don’t think he does. Maybe he needs to be humbled a bit this weekend … But my all-knowing eye tells me that a loss will just strengthen Child Tebow’s soul and make him call upon me more … I … I could really go for a night without his constant prayers … Maybe I can just choose a tie between them? Is that allowed? Yeah, I’ll just pick that. That works. Vikings and Broncos tie!”
Satan, aka Lucifer:
“Ah hah hah, alright you sons of Jesus, what’s happenin’ in this shit hole? You want me to pick a football game? Great! Fantastic! I like violence. I’ll pick the shit out of this game, I don’t care. Who is playing? Maybe that murder Ray Lewis versus that body stomper Ndamukong Suh? No? … What?! The Vikings and Broncos? JESUS! That’s how you KNOW you’re in Hell! God dammit, alright. Well, we got that Brian Robison who kicks people in the sex nose, so that’s one point for the Vikings. They also have my home boy Chris Cook. I taught him everything he knows! Great guy. Do they still got Carl Eller around there? I haven’t seen him in a while … he must still be alive … Mmm … Still playing though? Whatever. Extra point for them. And the Broncos? Von Miller … Gay … John Fox … Dumb ass … Tebow? Oh, man! He plays football?! For real?! Man, I could tell you guys some stories about him, hahaha! Wow, I can’t believe he’s not in jail! Wow! Him and Hitler, jeeze … That Tebow sure hates the Mexicans! Ha ha, yeah, I’m picking the Broncos! This is going to be great! Rape them again, Tebow! Love that guy. Pray to that old white beard douche again! Keep him awake while I cuckold the “VIRGIN” Mary. Haha!”
Pope Benedict XVI:
“Which team has the most players from Penn State guys on it? I pick them. Hey, Jerry, move to Rome! I got you covered.”
Brigham Young:
“Hello. Pick a football game, shall I? What is a football game? A match between young men on an immaculately cared lawn? Interesting. Quite interesting. Is there much groping between fellows whilst attractive young women watch from the sidelines? There is! Goodness. This game sounds more and more enticing. Well, I can naturally assume based on the good faith of the lord that he will slow the game down so no one geteth injured upon their playing, that the women cheerers on the side will be wearing bonnets and long skirts to cover their sinful ankles, and that those black fellows will not be participating on the field of play. … Oh, they will? My! What heathen kind of activity is this? They may as well be having premarital sexual intercourse for everyone to watch! With each other! Men! Having sexual penetration! Unpure! Death to both teams!”
VIKTOR the VIKING:
“HEY YOU DOUCHEPICKLES! VIKTOR the VIKING is back and I am going to PICK THE TURD out of these games. Look at all these other COCK NOSES picking against the Vikings. ARE YOU BLOWING ME DRY RIGHT NOW?! God, you are a PUSSY right now. A F*CKING TIE?! This isn’t a fifth grade flag football game, you PRISSY CUNT. THIS IS FOOTBALL. WE ARE GOING TO SHIT IN THEIR EXIT WOUNDS AND WIN. Devil, you SMALL BALLED, ONE PUMP CHUMP! Tebow? Tebow couldn’t tell what a ball looked like if he OPENED HIS EYES LAST NIGHT WHEN HE WAS TICKLING HIS THROAT WITH JOE BUCKS LITTLE SMOKIE. Stop with that shit. Have you ever watched football or have you just spent ETERNITY RAPING LIZARDS?! Dick head. Pope, we have the most Penn State players. JUST TRUST ME. And Brigham? YOU OLD CHOAD KNOCKER. While I respect you for having as many women AS YOU HAVE FINGERS, I doubt you ever used them ON ANY OF THEM. So GO F*CK YOURSELF SINCE YOU’RE NOT F*CKING ANYONE ELSE. Take this one to the bank, BUTTHOLES: Vikings win 69-7. CHECK YOUR HOLY NUMBERS ON THAT ONE, BLOUSES! LET’S DO COKE, GGRAAAHHGGHH!”
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