Chris Kluwe Reviews 2014 E3

Former Minnesota Vikings punter and video game aficionado, Chris Kluwe, is most definitely unemployed and looking for fun things to do right now. So what better options are there then to go to the 2014 Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles and review highly anticipated video games previewed at the events? We (totally didn’t) sent him on our own dime to get his unique thoughts on the video game industry, and here his review of most anticipated games from this year:

Greetings, Earthly Sparkle Ponies! I am glad to be writing to the wonderful, gay-marriage approving fans in Minnesota once more to provide my unique take of sarcasm and wit on the best and coolest of E3 this year. I promise, I’ll even leave political commentary out of my thoughts this time! As long as you promise not to cram you religion down my throat! Deal? Let’s check my most anticipated games from 2014 E3:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLtmEjqzg7M?rel=0]

1. No Man’s Sky

Developed by Hello Games, a smaller group who you may also remember brought you the fantastically flamboyant “Joe Danger” video game, No Man’s Sky is a revelation. When the trailer debuted at E3 this year, I was blown away by the interesting yet complex visuals, the amazing transitions from underwater to space combat, and how the world you play in keeps growing, evolving, and becoming better. It’s going to be an awesome game to escape in when playing, because it’s so unlike our REAL world, which doesn’t evolve, grow, or get better. Instead, most people just keep the same old special teams coach around and hope for the best. Metaphorically speaking.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E13g-nKTlX0?rel=0]

2. Mortal Kombat X

Nothing gets my Jimmie’s rustled quite like a beautifully gory Mortal Kombat game. After a three year hiatus, the Mortal Kombat series is returning to consoles with it’s tenth official installment, and it looks as gruesome as ever. The E3 game trailer that was shown was a brutal mix of stunning graphics, fast paced action, and enough fist punching, bone crunching, and body dismembering to make the NFL seem tame in comparison! I noticed several skull crunches too, which made me feel like I was back in my football playing days, ignoring concussion symptoms and getting back out there like a man would. Thanks, NFL, for my debilitating injuries! From here on out, I’ll stick to Mortal Kombat.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clRpcIHpmoY?rel=0]

3. Destiny

There seems to be a bit of a theme going on recently about big, sprawling, space opera video games, and Destiny certainly fits that bill. It’s your typical “The humans screwed up Earth and unleashed the bad guys with red hair and a ‘Commissioner’ label on the galaxy” and it’s your destiny to stop them. You join a select few other brethren who have the testicular fortitude to stand up to the evil, faceless organizations out there. In the game, a big portion of what the characters do is run, gun, and fight, but there are quieter moments as well, where you will be called upon to writing scathing letters to congressmen, opinion pieces on popular blogs, and make accusations about coworkers. But if not you, who else will save the world? Definitely looking forward to this game!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1Rx-Bbht5E?rel=0]

4. Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End

The Uncharted series of games has been one of Playstation’s most popular intellectual properties, and in the newest version (Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End) it’s easy to see why. Like a modern day Indian Jones with more bullets than bullwhips, Nathan Drake is an easy character to play as and enjoy. It’s also a blast to work your way through uncharted areas in the game, pointing out areas around the world where people dare not look, fighting bad guys who work to oppress equal rights to treasure to everyone, and generally walking the unbeaten path. If there was ever a game series that drew my interest, you can bet it’s this one!

Whew! Made it through without a single social commentary line about the NFL or the Minnesota Vikings! That’s totally a first to me. Maybe this is a new career path for me? Either way, hope everyone enjoyed my reviews, and keep gaming! It’s better than getting a concussion, anyway.

*PS: Of course, Kluwe did not actually write this. It’s satire. Stated for legal reasons, Vikings.