Compiling a Briefcase of Hate for Aaron Rodgers

It’s easy to hate anything and everything to do with the Green Bay Packers, even if you’re not from the state of Minnesota; the city is mired in the state of Wisconsin, they’re fans all allegedly like to fornicate with dead animals (so I hear), they’re named after their “amazing” industrial ability to “pack meat” … the list goes on and on and on. It’s also easy to hate every single player on their football team, simply by association. Bubba Franks? You’re a fat fuck, I hope you get hit by a semi. Greg Jennings? You overrated piece of shit, I hope you fall out of a burning plane and land in a freshly minted pile of napalm. Ryan Grant? How are you securing your massive breasts beneath all of those football pads without any spillage? Again, this list could be an entire post all on its own, going through each team, each year, picking out the most insignificant player ever to wear a Packers jersey and finding justification as to why they join the shit list. It would be the easiest thing to write ever. Naturally, some individuals would deserve their own posts, individuals who have transcended just being a shit face Packer player, and have grown to embody everything that is the horrible state of Wisconsin. Obviously, Brett Favre tops that list, which adds further importance to everyone’s suicide watch, Viking and Packer fans included, when he inevitably signs with the Vikings in 2009. While understanding that signing Favre brings an immeasurable cluster fuck to both group of fans, I am willing to refocus my hatred (not get rid of it!) to another deserving Packer and, really, when you get down to it, the player to replace the Favre hatred is fairly obvious. Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers is a fucking twat. His long hair is grating, his mustache is charmingly homosexual, and his face makes me want to punch it like no other face has since Kyra Sedgwick. The fact that he’s some transplanted California douche bag in the Midwest further helps to dirty his case. The last thing I enjoy is watching some highfalutin cock bag marching around like he’s totally one of the Wisconsin bros. Cunt. The small amount of pleasure I get out of knowing that you’re only making millions while tied to a Wisconsin franchise isn’t enough to alleviate my broken ankle wishes upon you. Those are all terrible things. This alone is a strong case to make Aaron Rodgers the most hated Packer since Old Man Willow and his Intercepting Arm. But then I find out that he is also inserting his penis into this vagina: What. The. Fuck. Is nothing sacred anymore?? Aaron Rodgers, notable anal fingerer, stripper lover, Dirty Sanchez mustachioed foe and surfing butt buddy, somehow convinced this lady, Julie Henderson, to not run away in fear despite his propensity to “swing both ways”. On the plus side, I have learned that Aaron Rodgers is now officially second to Russell Simmons in the lady department, which is moderately hilarious.

So fuck you Aaron Rodgers. I hope Jn rolls into your knee. You’re at the top of the list now, I’ve found a new foe to get angry at for completely irrational reasons, and all seems right with the world once more. Packer and Vikings fans can go back to hating each other and both hating Brent Favre.