Contractual Somewhat Obligations

We are through with the first week of the baseball season, and on multiple occasions we are seeing billionaire baseball owners refusing to pay for things they promised in contracts. The Angels hope they do not have to pay for Josh Hamilton after his relapse; the Yankees are trying to get out of paying for Alex Rodriguez’s home run bonuses; and the Cubs have demonstrated their disdain for paying for, um, toilets.

The Angels’ owner, Arte Moreno, claimed that Hamilton’s contract included phrasing that could void his contract if he relapses, to which all baseball reporters and any anyone who can read responded: ‘No, nothing like that exists in his contract.’

Apparently, Moreno tried to invoke the I Just Made This Up In My Head Clause.

However, these are not the only examples from this year of owners are refusing to play their players. Here is a list of them, with quotes from the owners:

John Henry (Red Sox) on Pablo Sandoval –

We refuse to pay for Sandoval’s frequent deliveries of Chipotle into the Red Sox clubhouse.

Charlie Johnson (Giants) on Madison Bumgarner –

We’re going to take back his signing bonus if he doesn’t stop bringing dead deer carcasses into the dugout when he doesn’t pitch.

David Glass (Royals) on Josh Willingham –

We will not pay Mr. Willingham one cent this year but that makes sense because he retired last season.

Jeffrey Loria (Marlins) on Giancarlo Stanton –

We are pleased that we have locked up Giancarlo over the next six years with the possibility of another seven more–and I hope to trade him for two career Double-A players.

Hal Steinbrenner (Yankees) on Didi Gregorius –

Didi has big shoes to fill at shortstop but we hope he manages to gel with the team and put up big offensive and defensive numbers and then, who knows, maybe he will stay with us a few more years. I am the son of Satan. All hail Lucifer.

Nintendo Co. Ltd. (Mariners) on Kyle Seager –

[Donkey Kong noises]

Larry Dolan (Indians) on baseballs –

We will not be purchasing any new baseballs this season as we plan to use any balls we find from hopping over the fence in front of Mr. Myrtle’s backyard, so long as we elude “The Beast.”

Fred Wilpon (Mets) on David Wright –

David is getting older and isn’t the player he once was-oops I dropped the microphone! Aww and now I spilled the water I brought all over my suit! I’m on fire! How did I catch on fire? And i just gave Bernie Madoff more of my money! Aw, I can’t do anything right!

David Montgomery (Phillies) on Ryan Howard –

Aw, hell, let’s give him another $75 million the next three years!

Ron Fowler (Padres) on Melvin Upton, Jr. –

We thought we had traded for Justin Upton. The name change confused us. Our bad. Also we remembered we already had Justin Upton.

Stuart Sternberg (Rays) on Kevin Kiermaier –

If Kiermaier’s defense does not improve we will be moving him from the outfield to somewhere else. Except by “Kiermaier’s defense” I mean the Rays and by “the outfield” I mean Tampa Bay. Someone build me a stadium!

-Jason Still-No-Last-Name