Cynics VS. Seattle Seahawks Class Action Lawsuit

Greetings,

We, associates from the Jarvis/Green/Ellis law firm, are writing to all those affected by the events of this past Sunday, the 18th of January. On this date the Seattle Seahawks engaged in a football game against the Green Bay Packers, the results of which has done ineffable harm to an innumerable number of our clients. We believe the results of this game has affected a large group of Washington dwelling citizens that are fans of the Seattle Seahawks. If any of the following statements from our list of clients in any way relate to the experiences you are having since the NFC championship game, please give us your information in the comment section below so we can add you to our class action suit.

Statement from Gary Springfield:

Before Sunday my life was going great. I was a major cog in the inner workings of the NSA and made good money not taking people on their word. I have been a fan of the Seahawks for many years, and for the most part the Hawks have been good to me. I lived through the Hasselbeck years where you firmly knew where you stood. Hasselbeck plays well and we might win, if he doesn’t then we’re awful and we have a clear scapegoat as to why we’re losing. I guess what I’m saying is that, as long as I’ve been working, the Seahawks have always worked in a parallel manner, reinforcing my belief that you can’t trust anyone because people are fickle and can so easily change from day-to-day, minute-to-minute, and Sunday-to-Sunday. Then the NFC championship game happened and I don’t know what to believe anymore. Every player on the Seahawks refused to quit on one another and, by the power of their wills alone, managed to win an impossible game.

On my way to work the next day, my mind was flooded with thoughts that contradicted my very core beliefs. Was I wrong to secretly monitor all of those who I believed to be hiding something? I couldn’t make sense of anything, so I decided to confer with my boss. I said to him “Maybe we don’t need to monitor you’re wife’s Facebook page and email? Maybe people are better than we give them credit for?” The next day I was standing in the welfare line wondering what the hell happened. The Seahawks have ruined my life.

Statement from Marsha Richards:

I have never really been much of a fan of football in a general sense. What has always interested me is when one person tears another person apart, but this is something I have in common with many of my fellow gossip columnists. To me, there is nothing more satisfying than seeing two former friends turn on each other when the chips are down. I like knowing that those in the spotlight are not the benevolent and righteous people that they make themselves out to be, and that when push comes to shove they will throw their beliefs to the wayside in an act of self-preservation and lash out at those around them. So, no, I’m not a sports fan but I’m a fan of calamity and its vices.

This is why I was watching the Seahawks on Sunday and also why I’m now miserable. I didn’t think the game was going to provide much in the way of entertainment as the Seahawks were favored and it didn’t look to be a contentious game. After hearing reports of the Seahawks ineptitude throughout the game I eagerly tuned in to the fourth quarter and waited for the Seahawks team to begin to prey on itself. That moment never arrived. No matter how awful the play or how unwinnable the game felt, no one on the team turned on another. In fact, it was when the outcome of the game seemed truly unchangeable that the Seahawks rallied and played their best.

Ever since that day I’ve been unable to write my gossip column. The thought that there is a group of people in the world that would choose to stick together instead of cannibalizing one another makes me sick to my core. You wouldn’t blame each other Seattle Seahawks, but I blame you. See you in court.